unfettered minds
Posted on | March 31, 2005 | No Comments
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can do anything.
I could take off tomorrow without a backward glance and travel the world alone.
That’s the part of me that swims through my mind free and unfettered, the part that screams like a dragon as it flames the sky, swirling in primeval glory.
I don’t see that part of me often enough.
I remember one time, many years ago. I was traveling to Milton Keynes with Tamsyn and her family – We’d just finished singing ‘knock on wood’ by Eddie Floyd at the top of our lungs in the back seat before turning away to our various thoughts. I looked through the windscreen and just remember seeing this lance of sunlight through the clouds and I felt myself split my skin. I just grew into something – someone different, I can’t put my finger on what changed, but I felt new – alive – purer, clearer, stronger than before. It only lasted a few minutes, but I remember the feeling – I couldn’t believe something that momentous had happened and none of them noticed, none of them SAW.
I’ve had similar feelings over the years, no discernible reason or catalyst – just one day, one moment – I’ll have a flash of clarity, like all I need to do is push and I can shake away the shackles binding me to the ground – shackles I can’t feel, can’t see but are obviously there.
I feel at those times like I’m full of the most awesome possibilities, powers beyond imagining are just waiting for me to call them to my use.
and then its gone, but the rest of the day seems brighter, more optimistic – as though maybe I’m just biding my time.
Sometimes I have the feeling of ‘someone there’ but it’s never a good feeling, or rarely. I get ‘edgy’ and don’t like to be alone, it’s like things are all about me, the sense of malevolence is strong and I have to work really hard at ignoring them, not ‘noticing’ they’re there.
Most times I manage it but sometimes I’ll have to avoid a room or an area because I’m basically too afraid to go in. It’s a sensation like spiders crawling all over me – I hate spiders.
I guess sometimes I’m a little fey.
Probably due to my usual choice of reading matter, but I have quite a vivid imagination – I’m constantly running scenarios through my head of conversations, everyday events or ‘stuff’ until I get drawn back into ‘real life’ – but there is still that little part of me that lurks, flashing it’s hidden brightness in my mind like a seductive promise.
These days I don’t lurk around and whisper to trees or chase the clouds like I did as a kid, I don’t even have tarot cards anymore (though in truth I never fully believed in them, I just used them as a way to focus my thoughts – to find out what was really bugging me) but I guess part of the reason I love my fantasy books so much is down to that teeny tiny hidden part of me, the dreamer who really is part dragon, powerful, majestic and above the petty trappings of this life.
LOL I dunno – delusions of grandeur yesterday and proof my mind has been a little unhinged for years today. If it’s ok with you guys I’ll just put it down to sleep/ food dep and an overdose of fantasy novels.
That way I can go to bed and join my hidden self in the clouds above the mountain top, rise on the thermals and cavort with the breeze, at peace.
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