Well – I’ve managed to do something to my leg that means I can barely walk. This sucks because today I had energy and motivation.
If I’d only remembered to take my bank card with me I’d have started divorce proceedings today *sigh* I made it to the C.A.B. for 10am so they could check over my divorce petition, I even managed to find the right court building amongst the building site that passes for crown Square these days.
Sadly when I went in with all my paperwork, I didn’t have the required £210 fee on me and I had to trek all the way home again to pick up my wallet – only to realise that I’d never make it back to the court before they closed because of my gammy leg.
Which after having to wait just over 2 years till I can legally divorce sucks.
Growing up I never thought I wanted to get married, not really. But when I did, it was nothing like how I’d imagined it being and the disappointment was crushing.
You see, deep down – I did want to get married. I wanted the dress, the band, the whole deal – the happiest day of my life and all that shtick. I only said I didn’t because I thought marriage was a forever thing and I never imagined I’d be somebody’s ‘forever’ ideal.
It seems I was right, but not quite in the way I’d imagined.
I didn’t get the dress, I didn’t get the band and I can catagorically state that my wedding day was so not a happy one, I was stressed, unsure and very much alone. The longest time I spent in my husbands company all day was during the ceremony and then on the way to the hotel room after the reception where he passed out. He’d spent the reception mixing with his friends while I got sucked into running interfernce between various family members.
There are so many things I could say about why we tied the knot and I doubt a one of them would be true. The only real truth is that we were wrong for each other.
I do regret doing it because it feels like I’ve wasted my chance. When I told my dad I was getting married he asked me to wait a year first and then he’d pay for it – I don’t know how many times I wished I’d listened to him. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a really great guy, I’d love to see him happy – with someone else. I just wish…
Well – I wish a lot of things.
Mainly I wish that getting a divorce didn’t make me feel like such a failure.
I really do believe that marriage is a forever thing – I always have done. I know I tried everything I could think of to make my marriage work, but I also know that when it came to the crunch I didn’t love him the way you are supposed to love your life partner, getting out was the best deal for both of us before we made a bigger mistake and had kids in an attempt to make things better. That’s a solution that never works.
I just know if I had it to do over, everything would be different.