um..

I’ve been up since about 4am following a fairly disturbing dream.

I woke up completely disoriented, I didn’t know who or where I was because my dream identity still had me in it’s clutches. I nearly died of shock when Stef started snoring because until that point I hadn’t even realised I was sharing the bed – scared the shit out of me it did. Reminded me of who and where I was though.

In my dream I was about 15 and starting a new school, I was being shown around by this other lass and got talked into joining a band – as lead guitarist. It was a fairly normal kind of school day – no real horror in it, but I wasn’t dreaming as me, I was dreaming as someone else – she was American, blonde and pretty and could play the guitar, she was also very inexperienced with the boys which was why I was so scared when Stef started his wonderful nasal symphony – in my mind I was still someone too young to have a guy in bed (though these days by 15 they tend to have already tried out several – usually with a pregnancy to show for it) it was just strange and disturbing – as though I’d pig-a-backed- in someone else’s mind.

Problem then was I just couldn’t get back to sleep – my mind has been racing with all sorts of thoughts. Memories are horrible things sometimes, I hate that you can’t just turn them off as soon as you realise what you’re thinking about, instead you have to re-live every excruciating moment. *sigh*

I know I’m still freaked about the night club incident. I shouldn’t be – I know it’s stupid. But I’m feeling so weak and so tired all the time again I just can’t help worrying about a repeat incident.
I really don’t want to go out or leave the flat alone – I don’t even want to go up to dads for Christmas – I’d much rather spend it with Stef at his folks, but I’ve already promised I’ll go, I could cancel but then I’d feel guilty because I’ve let them down – even though I doubt they’d miss me for more than 5 minutes.

Why is it that I always feel I have to make everyone else happy?
I’ve spent years trying (unsuccessfully) to keep mother happy at the expense of my own thoughts and feelings, I’ve been shit on time and time again and let it slide because I try to be fair and ‘make allowances’ I’m sick of it – what the hell has turned me into this masochistic excuse for a human being?
I know that people are shit, I know that they love nothing better than malicious gossip and to see others hurting and ‘disgraced’ before them. So why do I always try so hard to keep eveyone happy? I’ve hidden truths from friends and family so they won’t get hurt, I’ve lost more money than I care to think about through faithless friends and acquaintances. I just don’t get it – what the hell motivates me to put myself through this shit?
I feel guilty for everything all the time – You’d think I was a catholic or something the amount of guilt I swallow on a daily basis!
And it’s all for no reason. I know it’s stupid, but sadly I run on feelings not reason – as I’ve proved time and time again. I’m too good at seeing the other persons side of things without managing to give the same weight to my own – that’s why I always lose an arguement, for some reason deep down inside of me I always feel that I’m not good enough.
Ever.

I should probably do something about this…

I wish I could shut my mind off, I’m so tired.