Just listening to a few of the tracks we’re rehearsing – I just hope my throats up for it *sigh* ah well, I’ve a fair amount of time until we get together again.
Heading up to grans shortly – Stefs very kindly acting as chauffeur because i’ve been a tad on the pathetic side again as you can see from the posts on my cfs blog. I should probably re-name it my whinge blog to be honest *grin* I try to be all happy and upbeat on here most of the time (ok so I don’t always succeed – but I try) but over there I can whimper about how crappy I feel for as long and as often as I want. i know there are crossovers between here and there but I think it’s depressing dwelling on the damned thing hence the 2 blogs.
I know some people wonder why a person will put so much of themselves on the net – I’ve been asked many times why I feel the need to do this, to open myself up to complete strangers, to post my innermost thoughts where anyone can read it – the thing is, I don’t do that.
My innermost thoughts remain just that, what you see on here is a semblance of them, the diluted trickle I feel comfortable sharing, and yet it is still me. It’s still more than some people are comfortable with.
I dunno – maybe it is down to a lack of affection as a child – no one who knows me can deny that, or maybe it’s just that I write better than I speak, especially now with the way this illness affects me.
If something is gnawing away at my mind then I can’t rest until I’ve written it down, typing is far easier than writing – I don’t get cramp and I can edit as I go without having to write something again neatly when I’m done.. I’ve just become accustomed to this way of expressing myself, my blog is my salvation in a way.
If I’m upset I can’t verbally express how I feel, i need to write, i’ve always been this way – even before the cfs kicked in, now though the blog fulfills another need, the need for validation – it’s a way of saying ‘look i’m here, I exist’ you tend to need something like that if you only ever see a handful of people, My best friend lives miles away from me and we don’t speak often, so the blog has become my surrogate – all the little things I’d tell a friend I can write here instead, the fact that you are here reading this means i’m not alone.
*sigh* I don’t think i’m making much sense – but we rarely do when we try to explain ourselves to others do we? I guess what I’m trying to say is that since I have no mark to make on the ‘real’ world, I shall leave an electronic footprint of my own, it may not be large, it may not contribute much to society in general, but it’s all mine and i’m happy as I go.
And being happy is what counts really, isn’t it?