If this hits the right buttons you are. Cheers Steve 😉
AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.
I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.”
Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out of-control behaviour.
You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping that was so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness — actual smiling, laughing happiness — is it possible during a menstrual period? Did anything I mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freaky girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”?
Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Austin , TX
..and for your information, despite the appealing sound of kahlua and Motrin (whatever that is) it’s ibruprofen, back rubs and a very understanding man that keep me from giving in to the urge to kill this week.
At least so far. He’s still hiding in the bedroom so things could change..
What is it about the menstrual cycle that makes me wish fervently to be a man 1 week in 4? Why do we have to sit there in agony? No, wait – we don’t have to – unless we wish to be even remotely able to function, because the only painkillers that REALLY work are the ones that knock you out – and those ones tend to leave you feeling dizzy, pukey and worse off than you were with the cramps!
For today, tomorrow and possibly another few days – I hate all you men because you get off LIGHTLY in life.