We should start a company and make misery..
Posted on | June 4, 2007 | 12 Comments
As the song goes anyway.
I’m really sick of always being tired and always being in pain, logically I know it’s worse at the moment because of the incipient arrival of certain biological functions – but logic does not enter into it where emotion is concerned.
I’m fed up.
It’s glorious weather outside but I’m too knackered and too achey to consider going anywhere, I’ve got a driving lesson booked for this afternoon but I’m too achey to summon up any enthusiasm – besides which, even if it doesn’t get cancelled I can’t shake the feeling that I’m throwing good money after bad since my last 3 attempts at going for a driving test have been thwarted through circumstances beyond my control.
I’m really fed up.
I just wish I could be me again, I still feel like me inside but I’m not.. If that makes any sense? Stef has been with me for nearly three years now and he’s never seen the real ‘me’ I swear sometimes he thinks I’ve just been a lazy sod forever, but that’s not me! I’ve always been on the go – when I was working, I didn’t just work the 2 jobs, I’d get the odd call from friends asking me to pinch hit for ‘em, whether it be leafleting or kitchen prep/washing up or just babysitting I’d do it.
When I wasn’t doing something financially rewarding I was out dancing the night away, visiting friends, learning martial arts.. Even on the rare occasions I spent the night at home I’d have people coming round to visit, my place was almost like a drop in centre – people never knew when I’d be free because I was always so busy so I’d get calls at all hours and visitors at weird times – and I liked that.
Then slowly everyone started moving away, different cities, different countries (which is why I started the blog) and when I came down with this fecking illness it was the nail in the coffin as far as a social life went.
Ok, so my life really isn’t all that bad now (if you take away the pain and fatigue) but I’ve lost the ability to participate in any of my former activities (except singing, and I can’t even do that very often because it’s ‘intrusive’) I think the reason I’m still pushing for the driving thing (in the face of all adversity) is that I hope it will give me back some of the freedom I’ve lost.
I’ll be able to go places and see people and it won’t matter if I need to succumb to an M.E. crash when I’m out, my car would be a safe place in the middle of nowhere, I can blub to my hearts content in there and if things get too much here and the claustrophobia hits too hard it, instead of locking myself in the bathroom/ bedroom I’ll just hop in the car and go off for a ride.
Except even if I ever do manage to pass my test, unless I can get a job I won’t be able to have a car *sigh* and unless I can learn to ‘manage’ this illness properly I’ll never get a job. Not a decent one.
Seriously – it just feels like ‘why do I bother?’ I’m not sleeping – it takes me hours of tossing and turning to fall into dream riddled sleep then I wake up narky because I’m tired, I hurt (did I mention I hurt?) and it doesn’t matter if I lie in bed all morning because I can’t seem to do more than doze, which is why today I lay there attempting to be comfortable until my alarm went off at 8am, (why I bothered setting it since I was already ‘awake’ I don’t know) then got back into bed thinking just maybe I could drop off..
Wishful thinking all round. The ‘sleepy’ pills my Doc gave me do nothing (well, they help me breathe easier so perhaps I do also have a dust allergy since they are anti-histamines) and I’m sick of whinging.
I feel like all I do is bitch and whine and complain – and the crying.. God! Don’t get me started on the crying. I can just be sat there and all of a sudden this massive wave of emotion hits and I’m blubbing my eyes out – that’s when I’m not locking myself in the bathroom/ bedroom to try and get the homicidal rage under control before I start a row that ends in either death or desertion. In that respect I am my mothers child, I’ve the temper but I’ve seen how destructive those rages can be and I’ll not give into them willingly.
It’s not good people. I just wish there was an end in sight but no – I’m stuck with it, aches, pains, exhaustion and mood swings the lot! They can’t treat me, they can’t help me and I’m supposed to be able to live with this. It’s damned hard keeping on a happy face when all you want to do is scream at the world and SLEEP! I’d kill for some proper sleep.
I lay there last night listening to the delicate nasal offerings of my beloved and watching the security light go on and off outside (yes, even with my eyes closed I can see it) and tried to clear my mind of everything, I then tried just concentrating on my breathing, on my heartbeat.. All I know is I must have slept because I woke up, I just wish I could wake up feeling as though I’d slept, it’d make a nice change.
It’s been about 3 weeks since I last had a decent nights kip, now I can hold it together for a few days, but if it gets to this stage I’m just a mentally bruised, narky, emotional wreck. Having the menstrual cycle catching up on top is not good.
So what the HELL made me think having Ubuntu as an operating system would be a good idea right now? I can’t even get my head around re-installing wordpress at the moment never mind anything else!
I’m having to try and get to grips with IRC so I can ask for help from the linux gods (and that’s a cracking name for it because it does irk me, I can’t even get THAT to work the way I want it to)
The opener of my rant email to the lovely Nik went something like
It’s doing my box in – I have NO sound at all and I can’t get my head around the file navigation or.. well pretty much anything – every time I think I’ve found how to sort a problem it’s back to ‘open terminal..’ and there seem to be no ‘first time’ tutorials for using the damned thing – everything I’ve found expects you to be at least slightly familiar with it – this is NOT a user friendly os m’love, despite what you guys think.
It went on for quite a while in this vein, detailing all my problems, what I’d attempted in the way of fixing said problems and about 9 links to help sites I’d tried so he didn’t send me back to them. once I’d laid all that on I asked:
If you can send me a link to a laymans guide i’ll be more than happy to potter about with it, but if there’s nothing for a complete novice then seriously – who the hell is it aimed at? there’s no point trying to raise awareness of a product that only the people involved in creating it can use. *bitch* *whine*
AND anything that makes me think FINALLY a ray of light.. is aimed at MAC users. damned mac *mutter* grumble* if I had a mac I wouldn’t need linux..
He responded in a most gentlemanly fashion to my harpy ridden letter of venom:
Wow it was never supposed to be this much no fun ! …You really shouldnt be in the terminal though if we have to send you there then we need to fix whats broken
And as I said, I have irc instructions and a place to go, sadly my brain has gone into shutdown mode – AGAIN.
I can’t believe I’m starting to think XP isn’t really that bad after all – at least I have sound on there..
*sigh* Best go and rest up for this driving lesson – assuming I don’t get a cancellation text between now and then.
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12 Responses to “We should start a company and make misery..”
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June 4th, 2007 @ 10:58 am
Kubuntu probably would have been a better choice….KDE is much more windows-like than gnome…may have eased the transition….email with questions, and I’ll try to help remotely…
June 4th, 2007 @ 2:45 pm
biological functions ? STEF RUN FOR YOUR LIFE !!!!! LEAVE THE COUNTRY NOW !!! You can stay at my place but you have to share the couch with the goat.
June 4th, 2007 @ 2:50 pm
Oh yeah, I’m still impressed that you’re doing the Linux thing. Oh yeah, I’ve met the Tiki God Ubuntu in a chat room, and she’s a young model.
June 4th, 2007 @ 9:14 pm
Poor sweetie. I know where you’re coming from – I’ve felt the pain, the frustration, the isolation. Not a good thing, and when they’re all working together, all working AGAINST you, it just plain sucks. I wish you the best though, and more strength than you think you have.
June 5th, 2007 @ 7:50 am
Somehow I think you’ll be okay. You don’t strike me as someone who festers in her own muck for too long. You’ll seize your day fairly soon.
June 9th, 2007 @ 7:01 am
[...] I can point to a few non technical users who have different experiences. Vicky , of RoseVibe fame has braved ahead and installed it for herself and the biggest problem we have had is getting her into a good local support community who dont expect her to open a terminal. Then theres Paul Shepard who we can class as a amateur techie who finds that the support community surrounding OSS is far superior to anything he has experienced before. Finally there is Jo Parker and Suzy Miller of Certain Shops who actually received a preinstalled Ubuntu environment and are running a business with it and in the three weeks since they started they have not come crashing to a halt because of the software. Thats three stories I can point to all non techie, non bearded hippies and they would mistake Open Source for ketchup. [...]
June 9th, 2007 @ 12:11 pm
[...] I can point to a few non technical users who have different experiences. Vicky , of RoseVibe fame has braved ahead and installed it for herself and the biggest problem we have had is getting her into a good local support community who dont expect her to open a terminal. Then theres Paul Shepard who we can class as a amateur techie who finds that the support community surrounding OSS is far superior to anything he has experienced before. Finally there is Jo Parker and Suzy Miller of Certain Shops who actually received a preinstalled Ubuntu environment and are running a business with it and in the three weeks since they started they have not come crashing to a halt because of the software. Thats three stories I can point to all non techie, non bearded hippies and they would mistake Open Source for ketchup. [...]
June 9th, 2007 @ 3:41 pm
Meh – i’ll get to grips with it all if it kills me *grin* or the people around me
HK – thanking you reet muchly for the offer, I’m going to try and fix this though – I’ve hit stubborn and want to at least fix the sound problem before I give up completely on ubuntu. (besides, i’m just WAY too lazy to do another uninstall/ reinstall at present)
K – that remark brought the first smile to my face in days *grin* I think Stef’d be running there with arms wide open – lets face it, you have access to a POOL! But I’ll only be impressed at my linux adventure when I have it running to the point I can use it for everything, just like windows.
Jay and Pat, it was just a bad day, I have ‘em, everybody has ‘em, I’m just glad I can vent on here and you guys still show up with virtual hugs *kiss* I appreciate it, truly!
June 10th, 2007 @ 2:36 am
[...] I can point to a few non technical users who have different experiences. Vicky , of RoseVibe fame has braved ahead and installed it for herself and the biggest problem we have had is getting her into a good local support community who dont expect her to open a terminal. Then theres Paul Shepard who we can class as a amateur techie who finds that the support community surrounding OSS is far superior to anything he has experienced before. Finally there is Jo Parker and Suzy Miller of Certain Shops who actually received a preinstalled Ubuntu environment and are running a business with it and in the three weeks since they started they have not come crashing to a halt because of the software. Thats three stories I can point to all non techie, non bearded hippies and they would mistake Open Source for ketchup. [...]
August 7th, 2007 @ 7:47 am
[...] Users want to use the system but they find a few things just not working. I am seeing more and more people on Twitter and in day to day work who are picking up and trying out Ubuntu which is [...]
August 7th, 2007 @ 8:56 am
Hi Vics, I’ve just come across this post via the new blog by Nik, and want to add my virtual hugs for you.
Nik also linked to my blog about Ubuntu as I’ve just installed it on my lap top. I have no clue at all what I am doing, so you’re well ahead of me.
I’m not going to be doing too much with it until I’ve got further with my assignment but perhaps at that stage we can have a chat about it. I come from the position of knowing nothing.
Hope you’re feeling much better now, and will see you in facebook real soon.
Take care
xx
August 9th, 2007 @ 5:48 pm
[...] Users want to use the system but they find a few things just not working. I am seeing more and more people on Twitter and in day to day work who are picking up and trying out Ubuntu which is [...]