I’ve always written down my thoughts and my feelings, many a time as a kid and young adult I’d sit up late at night scribbling notes into a diary or onto a nondescript pad of A4 paper. Having a blog has just made the process easier, typing is quicker than writing and I can capture my thoughts more fully, editing is simpler; merely a matter of highlighting text as opposed to laboriously copying the same thing over and over again as I refine the message I’m trying to get across.
My feelings can also change as I write, when I started writing this last night on that first bit of paper I was upset, very upset. As I continued to write furiously I became less upset and more resigned (but I’ll get to that shortly)
I read a lot and some of the things I read can affect me in a rather profound way, it may only be a paragraph or a phrase as opposed to the whole book or article but occasionally it can strike a chord and leave me with a feeling of.. ..’deep connection’ is the only description I can come up with that ‘feels’ right.
This book: ‘The bridge across forever’ by Richard Bach, touched a part of my brain, it evoked recognition and brought something to life – a connection/ stimulus that made me feel as though I’d grown in understanding, that somehow just by reading it I’d enriched my life and like a true convert I wanted to share that feeling with everyone who knows me.
I know it’s a work of fiction but the ideas are contagious, the central theme of finding your soulmate is deliciously seductive and resonates within the girl I used to be – it unlocked long abandoned yearnings and a desire to better myself and my love.
I too wish to grow and share that growth with another, it’s a journey I started envisioning for Stef and myself, smugly assuming we were well on the way as I found myself trying to fit our relationship into the dream offered between those pages.
As I finished the book I was filled with an overwhelming NEED to blog about it, when that kind of mood strikes it’s almost painful in intensity, it doesn’t happen often but when it comes it’s like a bolt of lightning coursing through my brain and I have to earth it with the act of writing.
When it’s like that I can’t eat or sleep or do anything because I’m so focussed on that urgent desire to capture my thoughts before I lose them and when that mood is upon me I write golden. I write until there is a ‘snap’ inside my head, that snap is the sense of rightness, that all the words are home and in the correct order, it’s the world clicking back into place because I’ve added something to it, I’ve made the intangible tangible and the satisfaction I feel after one of those sessions is the BEST feeling in the world.
Which is why I was upset when I first put pen to paper last night to write this, I’d rushed upstairs and after ascertaining that Stef was merely upping his stats on monstersgame I asked if I could just take the pc for 10 minutes, I explained that I just wanted to get down a blog post and that I needed to get it all down while my mind is churning out all these thoughts and realisation.
He said ‘Do it tomorrow, it’s only a blog post’ and that one sentance shattered the hope that we already had something as magical as the couple in the book, that we’re well on the way to perfection.
‘Only’ means ‘unimportant’ means ‘worthless’. He has often denigrated my blogging habits yet after 3 years I expect him to understand how important it is to me.
My blog encapsulates my identity as no other medium can, to have it disparaged so easily hurts because it’s ME being put down.
That’s basically saying ‘your thoughts are worthless and unimportant, pointless and stupid, they can wait’. An attack on my blog is an attack on me.
Logically I know he doesn’t mean it in that way but I’m an emotional person and I feel before I think, which is why I write my thoughts and feelings down, it gives me the opportunity to put things into perspective and see things from both sides.
I had the time with my pen and paper last night to realise that I just rushed into that room and demanded he drop everything he was in the middle of to let me do my thing, I can be selfish – very much so. The fact that he didn’t recognise my NEED to write is understandable, he doesn’t ‘get it’ just as I don’t ‘get’ his seeming addiction to games, to me, blogging is a worthwhile expenditure of time online as there is a visible product at the end of it.
I think Stef views it as vanity, a pointless exercise – which is how I view most of the games he plays. It’s one of the main differences between us and I don’t think either of us really accepts the others point of view on the subject.
I want a Richard and Leslie relationship like in the book (though I can live without the lucid dreaming and out of body stuff) I hope that we will learn to understand one another better, that, close as we are, over the years we will grow closer together and learn from each other, we’ve a way to go yet but the foundation is there and it’s strong. I just hope that in the future, instead of having one person become the superior, we can be equals who delight in the company of a different yet beloved mind.
But then isn’t that what every thinking person should want from their relationship?