Author Archives: debambam

Having a whinge, leave now.

Having M.E. sucks great big hairy donkey bollocks.

I do make a conscious effort not to moan about it in general – to anyone. If I’m honest I try really hard not to even think about it.
But I’ve had a long chat about it today and so many things are buzzing around in my mind I need to put it down somewhere, I’ve kinda lost track of my blog being that place the last few days – weeks even, I get so engrossed in the lives of others that I’ve not had to really think about mine, except in a general way.
So today, this is all about me.
I always write on the fly so I hope it doesn’t turn too maudlin even if it is a whinge, but this is in lieu of someone being here to talk with about it all.
I can’t talk to anyone about it really, I get too upset and give up trying to explain myself – even when I think its important.

Basically this thing has taken over my life. I’ve gone from being the kind of person who’s always on the go and never stops, to being the kind of person who never even gets close to starting.
To be honest I’ve gotten to the stage of not wanting to do things because I’m afraid of setting it off.
If I have a bad day – it’s a really bad day, by not exerting myself in any way I can avoid bad days.

If I feel even the slightest bit tired, I’ll just stay sat on my arse doing nothing – not even the dishes. And I hate it. I hate this weak whingy little piece of useless nothing I’m turning into.
It’s frustrating, depressing and at times feels completely hopeless – it’s even worse after a couple of good days, when I feel positive and do things normally without even thinking about it, if I have a bad day then it sets me right back for weeks mentally.

I don’t like to go out alone anymore, it’s not so bad going to a place where I’m meeting up with people, but I won’t go to town alone. I can’t stand crowds anymore, they stress me out – I used to work as a bouncer in a nightclub environment ffs, crowds never bothered me in the slightest…

This whole thing… It’s just rotten, I feel like a complete hypochondriac everytime I mention something aching or such and such a thing isn’t ‘right’ because just lately that’s everything. I try and act ‘normal’ but I hurt all over pretty much constantly – it’s usually just a dull ache, a nagging pain that I can put to the back of my mind and ‘ignore’ but sometimes it flares up in 1 or 2 places, on a bad day it flares up everywhere.

When I’m talking to people it’s like there’s a fog between me and them, I get what they’re saying and I can act like a rational person, but I’m not ‘myself’, I know it – but very few people I hang with these days have known me long enough to see the difference. On a bad day I couldn’t hold a conversation with a goldfish.

Aminatta noticed straight away, but she’s known me longer than anyone. ugh… The tales that girl could tell…

Basically, it’s a memory thing more than anything else, it plays tricks on me – only little things, but they mount up. For example, I’ll get a text message and in my mind I’ve not only replied but possibly had an actual conversation with that person – a few weeks later, I’ll get another text asking if I’m still speaking to ’em because I never replied to the first one.
It’s all stupid petty little things like that but it’s in every aspect of my life and they’re whittling away at my self-confidence, my ability to be me and just get on with things.

Stef actually said the other day that I shouldn’t stop doing things because of this, I should do them anyway and if I have a ‘sleepy fit’ just go with it.
I’d like to do that, I really would.
But I have a real mental block – I’m almost terrified of bringing one on – it’s stupid, I agree with what he said 100% but I can’t seem to put it into practice. Instead I just shy away from doing anything – including housework, and then hate myself for being a ‘lazy cow’.
I’m just glad he’s here to push me and ‘bully’ me into doing constructive stuff, I may complain and act all hard done by – but I do appreciate the fact that he cares enough to do it.

Talking to Ben (the acupuncture guy) today has helped a bit. I feel a little more positive, I don’t know if it’s because of the session or because I’m finally doing something constructive myself to combat this – either way it’s a good thing.
He seems to think I could have had this longer than the 6 months I’ve been off work with it, my history of giving up on things is an indication apparently, I’ve always gone through ‘phases’ of feeling fed up and tired and it takes me forever to shake off an illness.
At those points I’ve usually just got a new job or left my course or moved house – this time my physical situation became so bad I needed to seek medical help instead of just blaming it on whatever stresses were in my life at the time and trying to change them.
I’m inclined to agree when looking at it from that perspective, makes me sound better anyhow lol

I think if I can do something to remedy my horrendous financial situation I’ll feel even more positive – it’s just whenever I start talking about this to anyone I can’t help thinking about how it’s fucked everything up for me and I get all stressed out and depressed.
I had a large sum in savings and was looking forward to finally buying a place of my own that no bastard ex could take off me, I had a pretty good income, no overdraft and the only debt was one loan – of under £1000.
Now, within just 6 months, I have NO savings and I’m constantly worried I’m going to go past my overdraft limit of £1000 through the financial commitments I made within my previous income – this was especially true when I was trying to sort out housing benefit and the landlord put the rent up… It just sux.

Didn’t stop me going out and getting seasons 3+4 on dvd of SG-1 to add to my collection though.
Winning money ROCKS!
*mental note, take them off the wishlist.

Basically, I came out of the clinic feeling positive and slightly more awake than when I’d gone in, after the horrendous journey home (Swinton to Newton Heath is a pisser of a journey on public transport) I felt like a wrung out dishcloth and more depressed than ever because my house is a shit tip.

I’m now going to have a Dark angel and SG-1 marathon followed by a hot bath and a decent tea.
That should kick the self-pity back into touch, I may even attempt to do some cleaning then – but I doubt it.
Maybe tomorrow…

Happy new year y’all!

I should learn not to doubt J.
What a fantastic night.
Loaf rocked. Serious the Dj played everything from chaka demus and pliers to black eyed peas. It was ace – we even had a group of 4 21yr olds trying to convince us to go to a party in salford with them LOL man I feel old.
We actually missed the countdown as we were too busy playing on the pub quiz machine with another group of lads downstairs – it’s only when the overly friendly (touchy feely) bouncer told us that we realised… I hate that type – I know them too well, judging from his number he hasn’t had his badge too long and I’m guessing he’s the kind that ‘hides’ when there’s trouble. Wanker. Too busy chatting (and touching) up the birds to do his job properly… If I was on his door he’d be getting an earfull I can tell ya!

Anyhow, all was good – and here’s pics of me and J pre-taxi out (which bizarrely enough cost £5 less than the taxi home)
This is j looking Very sexy in my purple dress (I just don’t have the height *sniff*)

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  • This is me doing the ‘girl’ thing:

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  • I’m now going to bed but before I do…

    May the best of the year past be the worst of the year ahead *kiss*
    Happy new Year guys!

    Time pontification

    Ha! im on one tonight… well this morning… gah! i really do live in my own time… vicky time *grin*
    Hmmm… im in a writing mood now see, since i have this here blog i figure i should just keep right on rambling… maybe not quite as bitterly as my previous few (yes i can see that its apparent to anyone with eyes that respect for my fellow man is in short supply)
    I really do need to sort out my sleep patterns, for once i went to bed at a ‘reasonable’ hour the other night… i got woken up at about 1.30 by a text message from a friend asking if i was ok, why wasnt i online and should he call the police… cheers G.
    thats my point though – anyone else would have left off cos of the time, but because my patterns are so ‘odd’ he saw nothing odd in sending it then (to be honest neither did i, i was only half asleep anyway, was in bed due to a blinding headache not out of any real sense of tiredness)
    Time. now thats something worth waffliing about.
    We measure our days and label that measurement ‘time’. We, as a people, are great believers in measurements. Mr and Mrs Jones can testify to that – everyone tries to measure up to them – it’s a well-known phrase “keeping up with the Joneses” as though life is a race.
    But does this mean our whole lives, our entire reason for being is measured in time? What of good deeds? What of our ‘lives work’?
    It is an interesting thing really, I mean, once you think about it. There is never just enough… it always seems to be too much or too little – It moves too fast or too slow, nobody is ever satisfied with the time they have – or the use to which they put it.
    For example the old man on his deathbed, full of regrets because he didn’t ‘do’ something or ‘say’ something – it just never seemed the ‘right time’
    A young couple sit talking about their forthcoming child… they had planned on having it at a later date, when it was the ‘right time’ ok they’ll cope, many have before and many will after, but they are giving up the chance to do so many things, all their time is going to be spent looking after this child. It’s said with love but also with regret.
    come on… think about it. What exactly does that mean? The ‘right time’ what is right or wrong about time? Surely time just ‘is’.
    Look, we take the time to watch others and emulate or envy their possessions and/ or achievements, yet rarely can you find a person content to just take the time to sit back and appreciate their own. Actually – that’s another interesting phrase ‘take the time’ it implies time is a physical object – something you can reach out and touch, after all – who says “take the wind”?
    Time moves on at its own pace, a phrase often repeated yet never explained – is time a creature then? It moves, it paces, you can take it and measure it, and yet no one can see it. Should this ‘creature’ ever be at the beck and call of man then the universe will tremble indeed.
    We can measure it, treasure it and at our leisure sit back and rewind to the ‘secrets’ contained within the vault of our racial memory, the term ‘racial memory’ once again implying that life is one big race…
    …But then, is not ‘memory’ merely another aspect of time? Our lives are split between past and future – we have no present really… not if you actually think about it. The smallest segment of time has no name to the average man, it is the part between thoughts, between breath, between the past and the future – yet the part between these things has already become one or the other as you think on it – either words or actions that you cannot take back, choices you make and the paths you take – nothing is actually one moment between the two, not really. Not to the naked eye at least. Take the time… the ‘right’ time – more haste less speed, a stitch in time saves nine.
    And yet…
    Time does hold meaning for us – Past, ‘present’, future. All blend in the melting pot of memory and hope; dreams can become reality – in time.

    and on that rather obscure note… i feel perhaps its time for bedski. There are many things i wish to do on here tomorrow (today?! bah! i havent slept yet so its not tomorrow yet.) i need to continue proof reading/ editing Q’s story (believe it or not my spelling, grammer and uh… other english type stuff, is pretty good when used to check other peoples things… im just crap at sorting my own out – that and the fact i only ever seem to write on here before i head for the sac…) i need to sort out a couple of cd’s for F (who btw i should thank for a fantastic evening on wednesday – even if i was totally annihilated at chess… it’s all whiffy’s fault, why do i keep playing that game when im so blatently pants at it?!?!) obviously it goes without saying that, once again i shall be scanning every concievable ad for work (of a non sales or catering nature – i cant abide having to hit a target when in order to do so i have to force someone to get something they really dont want or need, and catering… ugh, the most thankless job on the planet as far as i can see… people only ever really seem to go out in order to complain about the food/ service/ music etc etc)
    im suddenly not tired again. damn unt blast. buggery. arse. *sob* its that thinking about work thats done it. it’d be no problem if i could drive, the amount of jobs i’ve had to forgo applying for. Mainly because the amount of money id have to spend on public transport just to get to tham negates any benefit of having said job (that and the sheer expenditure of time… damn you stagecoach!) i REALLY need to find a way of working from home *grin* anybody willing to send me on a computing/ programming course just message me here though it does mean you’d need to join first *wink* see… i said a while back i was a pusher… shame i cant get ’em to give me a finders fee lol
    Oh-kaaaay, sleep… perhaps i should try the no-fail hot bath, soothing music, good book and hot ‘bina combination… yes. a plan has been formed.
    right, im offski’s
    this is one bintyboo squidglet type saying nanoo nanoo… *grin* after all, we do talk shite after very little sleep…

    Team fishcake

    another shift, another coffee with baileys as reward upon my return home… (the whipped cream topping is what makes it a treat) as always the need to unwind after work also involves a short (yep, i said short) internet session (after all who could sleep without checking for messages..?)
    i decided that i should have a quick shufties though my faves list since a few of the links may have become a bit ‘deaded’ by now, this is where i re-acquainted myself with teamfishcake, this guy is my favourite person – if anyone feels the way i do about christmas and has ever had to endure the trafford centre, you too will hold him up as the hero he is.
    in fact, this site is so amusing i shall cut this short and sweet… read a little more then hit the sack. i have shopping and ‘things’ to do tomorrow, yes i have to wean myself off the net it is probably time for me to take the words of master B. Murray to heart and ‘Get a life’.
    LMAO – like THAT’S gonna happen!
    P.S. ALL parents need to read THIS. Its mandatory.