Author Archives: rosevibe

Life lesson 1

Relationships: Don’t see the worst in a person and expect them to see the best in you. Don’t judge a person and expect them to stand by your side. Constant criticism is the death of affection. If you can’t say something positive or constructive: keep it in your head.

I had an idea for a reality TV show today.

This is not the first idea I’ve had but it is the first I wish would be picked up and polished by someone who could make it happen.

The show is a weekly reality ‘contest’ for positive social impact involving celebrities. The incentives to participate are great personal PR, promotion of any pet causes they have and public exposure on prime time TV that they can also use as a platform for self-promotion of anything they’re trying to sell: little ‘behind the scenes’ type discussions/ sneak previews about their latest product line/ album/ project can be included in the main show: this is reality TV, they’re still being celebrities while participating and that’s a job too: expect to see overlap.

The show would air on Saturday night after a week of anonymous work is documented and unveiled, there would be a set criteria for social impact points allocation from a panel of judges plus a telephone/ sms vote for each contestant: the person with the most telephone votes gets an extra 5 impact points.

They would initially have an equal ‘pot’ for expenses but this amount would change each week depending on their standing. The celebs who have had the least impact can choose to do some kind of community service on Sunday to build up points that may be bartered for extra help or resources to even the playing field – these points may alternatively be saved to add to their total personal impact points for the season. Each contestant would also be appointed a small team comprising an assistant (their public face so as to remain anonymous, this person will change each week to avoid public recognition), a web designer and a multimedia consultant. The contestants would then, each week, have to devise ways of creating positive effects for the social cause of their choice (though not allowed to be anything they are already a patron of or any of the ‘big’ national charities – has to be something small where impact can be easily measured) the episodes would document the meetings and resulting tasks (bit like the apprentice) and show how the celeb works around the restriction of required anonymity.
Every episodes winning celeb would get a slightly bigger pot the following week plus a bonus. The kicker is – the choice of bonus use is up to the public and can either:

1. Go into a prize fund that is built up over the series. To be claimed by the person who is deemed overall to have done the most good based on accumulated ‘impact points’, to be used as they see fit: all restrictions on causes are lifted for the prize fund and each week the celebs get to promote what they’d do with it to soften the blow if they don’t get the final cash: this way they do have a platform for ongoing awareness raising for their pet causes.

3. Be used to take the winning team out for an ‘experience’ as a reward for a job well done – a randomly chosen text/ phone voter each week gets to accompany them on the experience and offer suggestions for the following weeks cause (pay to play lottery type thing – shows need funding after all)

This vote would take place during a ‘take 2’ type follow up show (after all contest votes are tallied) which enables the winning/ last place celebs to discuss the tasks and push whatever thing was their incentive for doing the show.

The idea is that the contestants would each aim to have the most positive impact but they could spend none of their own money or use their celebrity status to do this – so no tweeting a go-fund me or kickstarter under their own name for example: they can however form alliances amongst themselves for mutual exposure and use their celebrity contacts so long as they themselves all remain anonymous throughout the episode – so no celebrity friends stating “@x is trying to [action] for [cause] go do [thing]” that would be cheating and they’d forfeit the week and any accumulated points.

I’m not decided on whether it should be 4-8 recurring celebs and each week 2-4 face off so that they only have to commit every other week to the show, or if every week all 4-8 compete against each other Meh. You see the kernel of the idea here: let’s see it happening eh?!

WE HAVE A HOME!

So it’s been a LOoooooong slog in the bedsit but yesterday we picked up the keys to a flat that could not be more central to everywhere we need had I built it myself! Ok yes, it’s a flat which means we’ll need to keep a garage to store all of our unnecessary garden stuff (and the bikes) but this place is secure! I don’t mean the locks, I mean that we do not have to worry about being kicked out due to the landlord selling or needing it back; that is the true beauty of social housing, yes it is cheaper to rent than public property but that is just a (very welcome and necessary) bonus to me: not having the worry of a forced move again is the REAL reason to want this. Next to owning your own home it’s the best option out there, so as home ownership is forever out of our grasp due to house prices I should be thankful the last sale made us homeless so we’ve been able to achieve real security at last.

I’m skipping and dancing down the road today, dressed in my oldest rattiest clothes so I can paint the walls of our new home. We’re picking out flooring tomorrow: yes, the other bonus of social housing is that we have complete control over the decor! 

Joy, bliss, happiness and peace: my emotions today. Tomorrow they may be rage as negotiations commence with the hubby over what exactly we will be purchasing for the new place, but even that is something to look forward to! Man! Life is good!

Tenerife ho!

So my stepmum decided that we all deserve a proper beach holiday to take us away from crappy reality and she’s booked a villa 10 minutes away from a white sand beach. Sun, sea, sand, exposed skin, being outside all day…This is my idea of hell: I am so not a beach bunny! But, the villa looks like my idea of heaven, so while my family all go play in the sun, I can skulk in the shade and use the villa wi-fi to catch up on some well earned Netflix time. I know I won’t be able to avoid the beach and water park visits completely (it is a FAMILY holiday after all) but I reckon I can claim at least 2 rest days while we’re there – let’s just hope it’s not due to sunstroke… I had planned to take my laptop to get some marking done but was ordered not to on pain of never hearing the end of it. My stepmum is awesome.

Insomnia speaks

I’m lying on the mattress on the floor, listening to the Minecraft incidental music playing through the TV on the other side of the chest of drawers separating the ‘bedroom’ from the ‘lounge’. It’s been 9 months and we’re still in the council bedsit. But we now have a key each at least, and storage and a freezer; we gave up believing in temporary and are making the best of what we have while we wait for fortunes to change. I’m leaving the college in July to search for a job that isn’t on a zero hour contract basis so that if we’re still here I can at least start looking for somewhere aside from social housing: damned letting agents and their refusal to see past the ‘zero’!. I’m also trying my damnedest to finally get a driving license as that would enable us to look farther afield for somewhere to live that better fits our budget. That’s the thing a lot of people don’t get: in order to make a change for the long-term better, you sometimes have to make a short term change for the worse, I know that quitting a well paid job seems counterintuitive​ but having our house sold out from under us by the landlord was the kick up the arse I needed to ditch a tiring, stressful job that pays well, in order to find something that may not have as great an hourly rate but will ultimately lead to a better work-life balance and the ability to find a home. I’m not daft, I haven’t quit the uni as well – that at least is a rolling fixed term contract, and it covers most of our immediate outgoings. ..But the 2 college jobs have to go; I will go stack shelves at minimum wage if it means I get a proper contract that facilitates a suitable roof over my head and more quality time with my family. Zero hour contracts are a cancer so far as employee security is concerned: we’d have moved ages ago if a letting agent would even consider us – I’ll never accept that type of employment ever again: regardless of the hourly rate! Nor will I consider shift work, that’s the quickest way to return to bedridden hell when you have ME/CFS. Nope, I plan to take my time and build up my energy reserves again then find the right career compromise: I’m heartily sick of living in storage.

Anything you want?

I keep seeing all these empowering posts and videos telling girls they can be President if they want, lawyers, doctors, scientists, engineers – all of these high flying aspirational stressful positions can be theirs if they just work hard enough. The problem with that is they have to do it all despite an entrenched patriarchal society – aspirations are well and good and I applaud the effort to stick it to the patriarchy, but what about happiness, contentment? 

We can be whatever we want. 

Who actually knows what they want in time for it to be fully achievable? Sadly very few. So stop telling girls to be President – as if that is the highest level of achievement imaginable – tell them instead to think about what makes them happy, tell them to achieve balance and tell them to work together and support one another to achieve a successful life that isn’t based mainly upon a CV that meets the expectations of others. We cripple ourselves as a people trying to one-up each other and do what is ‘expected’, stifling innovation and advancement by conforming to one method of demonstrating ‘success’ and then becoming ill and stressed and unhappy and unfulfilled because nothing we do ever truly measures up. Do enrich your mind and try your hand at every opportunity that presents itself, don’t rely on others to show you the way, learn to trust yourself and know what it is that makes your heart sing and figure out the best way to do more of it. 

If you really want to beat the patriarchy and this stifling ‘everything  needs to fit in a box and have a set place’ thinking, if you really want to make it possible for true equality to begin, stop buying into the patriarchal media bullshit. Start the deconditioning at home: turn off the news and the TV, use books and art and games and the like to foster a sense of fairness and shared responsibility in your kids, regain a true community and start or join a homeschooling network with a curriculum based on knowledge discovery and problem solving. Working together and demonstrating respect, tolerance and dignity in action is the only way society will change enough to allow everyone to be whatever they want. Stop telling girls they need to be whatever they want and instead start showing them how they can discover what that is and the path they need to take to achieve it, because frankly, hard work is never going to be enough and work alone will not make them happy. And stop telling boys that they shouldn’t be like a girl because quite frankly, once women get a real clue and start throwing off the mental conditioning of shame, about looks, attitude and actions, then girls will truly become the future and everyone needs to start thinking like a girl: specifically a girl that is free of fear and constraints and has honed her ability to reason and understand how things should work as opposed to how they currently do.

Flu.

​Ugh… I’ve not felt this wiped from a cold in years! Guess it is actually flu this time. Never mind energy though, just hoping my voice holds out tomorrow as I’m currently channelling Ertha Kitt. I’ve had 2 days off work but can’t really cancel tomorrow: School run then a mad dash around to get everything printed for the first 1hr essay presentation and the following 1hr referencing workshop then more printing for cross college moderation followed by a 3hr lecture then the level 4 TPA session then I’ll crawl home and collapse. I’d planned to have all the printing done on Monday but seeing as I called in sick it hasn’t occurred. I’m just hoping I make it to the afternoon as I really am shaky tired, it’s almost ME/CFS standard but I only feel empty as opposed to beyond exhausted so I know it’s not the worst I could be feeling: small mercies eh?!

I’m sat in bed trying to organise all the stuff now so I can just drop off a USB at the office, maybe if I beg nicely and stop suppressing my hacking cough while looking pitiful (not difficult right now) they’ll hustle me away from their air and print the stuff for me while I’m teaching. One can but hope…

Little reminders

So I do remember being a student, I remember the sickening stress of not knowing what the hell I was doing and constantly feeling unsure I’d done everything ‘right’ – mainly because I feel like I still get that feeling in my job with each new directive that comes out.

But today I realised that no, I don’t remember what it was like and no, I don’t get that feeling in my job.

Because I attempted a zumba class this morning, and today I DID get that feeling. It didn’t matter that I KNOW it’s not important, or that it’s not a test or even something I ever have to do again. As I was fruitlessly attempting to follow the lovely lady taking the class I could feel the tears gathering at the back of my throat, watching myself dumpily waddling through a very poor approximation of the moves and in more cases standing there with a confused look on my miserable face I realised that THIS is what my uni students are going through when they come to me for help with their writing, even some of my college students must feel this sickening wrench of hopeless defeat as they realise they JUST DON’T GET IT. ..and like I did today, many will just pack up their stuff and walk out before the time is up.

It was a reminder to me that I need more patience because no matter how much I think I remember, I cannot ever truly understand what they are going through as they struggle to achieve the goals we set them.

Bedsit living

So, we moved out finally: the council found us a temporary bedsit. How long is temporary? How long is a piece of string. There is no real storage so our clothes are being kept in the suitcases, no freezer and the tiniest fridge in the world. But, we are self contained. The location is perfect for everything we need and to be honest, if the weather is bad, having to lounge around on a camp bed all day and play with elf is no bad thing. The small space is encouraging us to go out more so that’s not really been put to the test yet, plus we have many visits planned over the next few weeks so proper beds will feature. Thankfully this happened just as the academic year ends and stefs holiday kicked in so we’re free to do what we like. Only having 1 key is a pain but we’re working around it, it’s just a shame the kitchen facilities lend themselves more to takeout than home cooking. 

But, it’s temporary. And having all of our stuff in storage will make it easier to declutter when we finally do get a ‘permanent’ place (as permanent as renting allows of course) I figure if we get used to not having things around it’ll be easier to discard them. 

It’s a bloody dear do though: all this eating out, day trips and the launderette! My god! It’s daylight robbery in there: a single load to wash and dry costs almost £8 and as we’re out and about so much we’re doing 3-4 loads a week. I just hope we find somewhere sooner rather than later: I’d rather be settled when we go back to work and school than trying to move while juggling all that!

Work rage.

I swear people really are getting dumber! Year on year I see basic academic expectations (the ability to write a coherent sentence, read a brief and follow instructions) fail to be met, even after a whole year of ‘study’. Doing away with strict entry requirements is just asking for trouble: how much more can the degree classification be devalued all in the name of bums on seats and pass rates..? The students we currently have don’t care – why should they? Paying rent and buying food is more important in their day to day life than studying – and life is tough; so the odd party is better for the soul and mental well being than reading a journal or three for an assignment which, in the grand scheme of things, is only 20% of a 15 credit module, fine, I get that. But customer culture, especially this cut-price ‘get everything for nothing’ society we appear to have nurtured, does not belong in Higher Education, not if obtaining a degree is supposed to mean something.

Turning learning into business devalues learning: valuing the trappings of knowledge over the actual attainment of knowledge is all that occurs. Current intakes seem to want the award paper without the work and will do the bare minimum required to get that bit of paper. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink - unless you're a teacher. Then you'd better force feed that nag and hope it wins tomorrows race or you're fired.Sadly, because the more bits of paper we give out the more students we get in, the bare minimum is all we really ask for in the end due to pressure from above to keep that tracking spreadsheet happy: we cry the party line of ‘extend and enhance the student experience’ and we do our best to awaken interest and engagement but the sad reality is, every year fewer students respond and the bright, engaged, interested students are like rare glimmers of gold in the dross: but we – the overworked, over measured teaching staff are always to blame for low attendance or poor pass rates.

I honestly think that some of the students we’ve had this year are ‘secret shoppers’. You know, the people who sign up for things or visit places and be disagreeable/ hard to please in order to test the service. These students must be testing to see how far they have to push to fail: It’s the only explanation! I’ve had more no-shows and lack of submissions than the last 3 years combined: no work? yes, outright fails – I could rant up a storm about marking disputes over ‘satisfactory’ evidence but where there is nothing to mark at least I don’t have to rip out my hair and pull out the .5s and the .75s just to agree a grade at moderation.

We have the constantly late-submitters who argue the toss about a lateness cap being applied due to the missed deadline: which management generally uphold because, I mean, why should our paying students have to have ‘detrimental’ consequences for their actions? What’s a week here or there  (or even a whole semester for some) if by losing the lateness cap they manage to pass overall?
…but then there’s the ‘last-minuters’ (who management want us to get through by whatever means necessary as ‘the pass rate is the most important thing’) they, upon receiving a prescriptive list of the submission requirements for a basic pass (along with specific submission directions) proceed to send in a part submission via email, then another bit via StudyNet and even odd bits by hand on USB (never just one whole submission via the required directed submission route) and each time I have to point out the bits they’ve failed to address from the aforementioned list, resulting in multiple marking and feedback sessions for one assignment AFTER the official deadline – when it’s supposed to be one deadline, one submission!

These idiots (yes, idiots! I stand by the description – I’d even go so far as to call them fucking morons because really, why pay for a course and teaching expertise if you refuse to engage with it? What a waste of my time and your cash!) these idiots who have been chased and chased and reminded and cajoled and handheld through the entire process,  just shrug and begrudgingly offer up what can, at best, be generously called ‘evidence of work’ but in such piecemeal fashion that I have to keep returning it to them for improvements that need to be done just to meet the most basic pass criteria; and it all has to be checked IN MY OWN TIME because as an hourly paid  zero point contract employee I only get paid for timetabled contact time and agreed meeting hours: email and ‘informal meetings’ are not covered by my wage – yet we have to get these ungrateful, entitled, work-shy feckers to pass, otherwise the almighty spreadsheet may show crappy figures resulting in a discontinuation of the programme and therefore a loss of job for me: but what do these morons REALLY learn through this process other than helplessness and a lack of personal responsibility pays off?

I don’t mind extra help for the ones who attend, really try but struggle to ‘get it’ I’m happy to see them on my day off (well, willing) but these entitled bullshitting motherfuckers who obviously feel that their life is more important than mine: because obviously I have nothing better to do than work around them, I LIVE to respond immediately to their extension requests and stupid excuses. UUUUUUurrrrrgh! If I got paid for the hours these idiots waste I’d own my own home.

This is why no employer wants somebody who has just about scraped a pass in their degree: they know the quality of employee they will get – bottom feeders suck. If it wasn’t for the 1-2 students a year who really engage I think i’d have quit by now because some days teaching really is a thankless stressful unrewarding drudge.

 

Adulting is hard.

So, update: house sold for £240,000. Next door were also given notice within a week of ours being sold and their sign went up yesterday so we’re both in the same boat now: just shows you, it’s hell to rent!

I’m not concerned though, why? I had an unpleasant call from the sales agent the other week. He asked me how the house hunting was going, I didn’t lie that is wasn’t looking promising – what’s the point? I want out of here asap and keeping them in the loop means they’re more inclined to help us find somewhere else. At least that was my thought.

He proceeded to spin horror story upon horror story about what happens to tenants who don’t move out before the section 21 notice period expires – followed by faux concern over the possibility of the buyers and our landlord suing us for any accrued costs caused by us still being here; you get the picture.

Afterwards I spent about 5 minutes furiously bawling my eyes out and totally stressing before getting angry – how DARE he call me up and make me feel like that, using such crappy scare tactics to try and coerce us into uprooting and becoming ‘intentionally homeless’ as the council put it. So I did what I always do when something stresses me out  – I conducted research and made a list: something the internet and a university education makes a lot easier I might add!

You know what? The oily creep did me a favour; I wish I’d known YEARS ago what that research told me because I could have saved myself several stressful stints of couch surfing over the past 2 decades.

We do not have to leave the property by the date noted in the section 21 notice; all that bit of paper is designed to do is to inform the tenant that after the date specified, the landlord will be applying to the courts for an order of possession (which could take months depending on the court schedule) at THAT point we will get a letter stating a legal departure date; but if we haven’t found anywhere we still do not have to leave until the landlord has once again applied to the courts for a bailiff to evict us – yes, we will likely have to pay those court costs for him but I’d rather that than go live in a tent or rely on friends/ family for the next few months while we save up for a deposit.

The truth of the matter is, we’ve been priced out of the area in which we live: despite being a double income family, we’re still a low-income family (at least we are in a place where rents are £950- £1700pcm for a 2-bed property) I refuse to move elf from her school seeing as she’s settled and happy and doing well: SATs are coming up – I may disagree with testing kids of her age but I still want her to do well in them for her sake; self-esteem is a tricky beast and she needs a foundation of confidence because she takes failure hard already.

Which is why we’re having to go down the social housing route. There are benefits to it so I keep being told: we would stand more of a chance of finally owning our own home once we’ve been housed for a certain length of time than we would staying with the private sector – this speaks to my long-held dream of never having to move again. But before that can happen we may have to deal with a couple of years of less than ideal accommodation – though even there it’s not all bad; public sector housing is maintained to a far higher standard than most of the places I’ve lived in the private sector, repairs are usually finished within a month of the request being made plus you have more control over the living space. More importantly though that living space is about half the cost of the private sector which would allow us to start saving again for something better.

I was tempted for a quick move yesterday when I saw our old flat had come back on the market then common sense kicked in: elf would no longer fit in the tiny room her toddler bed dominated back then, the winters were terrible and we’d essentially live in the front room because it was too cold to stay in any other room. But yeah, for a second it was tempting: just walk half the furniture back down the road and store the rest in a garage until we could move somewhere more suitable… Except we’d never be able to move because the rent is now too high. Add in the cost of renting a second garage and …Nope. Not feasible.

There is a part of me that thinks we’re being a bit precious: plenty of 1-bed places are around in our price range; many people have to live like that the world over; but then I think why is not wanting that being precious? I’m not leaving this house through choice, I work bloody hard and so does my husband (yep, that still gets me… Husband!) Plus elf needs space, I need space since I do a lot of work at home and 1 bedroom for 2 adults and 1 child does not a happy marriage make. I don’t drive and my illness means excessive travelling is out because i’d wind up losing all 3 of my jobs due to the inevitable relapse, so we need to stay here near my work and I REFUSE to change elfs school so… Yeah, council it is. And they state that you have to be ‘officially homeless’ which means going through the aforementioned court process, otherwise we’re not classed as a housing need since if we leave before we get a court order we will have left ‘of our own accord’.

Stupid huh? Still, it gives us time to hope that something in our price range does come up – if it doesn’t we just have to wait til a council place opens up so nope, no longer concerned because we’ve done everything we can up to this point. We have a plan in place for packing and moving as and when something comes up so now we just wait – and save every penny we can.

Just sucks that it’s all happening the year I turn 40 (the exact weekend in fact) and they say that’s when life begins lol ahhh.. the adventure! Anybody want to buy me a house in Hatfield for my birthday..? Just a suggestion 😉

Limbo – and not the fun one.

So, Agent came round; house has been valued at £230,000 but nothing from the landlord yet on possible eviction. The agent was very positive about his ability to sell to a ‘buy-to-let’ guy but to be honest that’s what the last agent said at the place we got sold out of before we moved in here.

I’m not as stressed as I was though, I’ve had my freak out and now am just resigned to whatever is thrown at us. I still have to get up and go to work, be a mum and deal with the other general shit that goes with life; I also get to feel useful and that’s something to be thankful for so it’s not all bad.

Currently it’s a case of keeping an eye on the outgoings even more zealously than usual and hoping to have enough saved before we are forced to leave here – if a new landlord takes over the place then great but she/he’s still likely to want to do things to the place: it desperately needs new floors/ windows, the white goods are pretty much shot and the decor is tired, which means we may get to stay on but it’ll be less than hassle free and the rent will definitely be increasing even if a slumlord who has no interest in fixing everything takes over.

I’m mentally packing and sorting what can go into storage from now until we know the score so that I can just up and sort it out the second we get the word. I already know the order of removing everything to our garage to ensure the best way of packing a removal van (all those years of Tetris served me well) I’ve even started my moving spreadsheet – I’m sure Stef will be delighted to hear this…Not.

I’m looking at this as an opportunity to put my thoughts about living in storage into action: de-clutter, sell what we can and chuck what we make into a help to buy isa. One day I will live the dream and be secure in the knowledge I will never have to move home again; Just not this time.

On the road again…

Yup, the perils of renting have again caught up with me.

Our landlord apparently wants to sell up: agent is booked in to come and do a valuation tomorrow. This, as you can imagine, is stressful. Normally I take it in my stride and curse and vent and just get on with it but for some reason, this time… I’m just not coping: mentally I’m like a stunned fish – gasping for breath and seeing nothing good in my future.

This is the worst part – the waiting. We have not been officially notified by the letting agency but now we know he intends to sell, it’s just a matter of time before that section 21 appears through the letterbox. I have had to move over 30 times in my adult life – 22 of those were forced due to repossessions or property sales. I’m sick of being forced to move just as I start relaxing and setting down roots, I’m 40 this year I want some bloody roots dammit!

Maybe it’s so much harder this time because for once everything in my life was falling into place: our relationship is in a good place, we just joined the gym so health is (was) looking up and work is finally at a point where I’m not just paddling to keep my head above water – there have actually been weeks where I’m all caught up or even *gasp* ahead.

The timing could also have been better – funds are at an all time low after the wedding and there is practically nothing in our price range on the rental market where we need to live. Having to take into account the catchment issues for Elfs school, my lack of transport for work and the need to find funds for multiple agency fees on top of rent and moving costs… My brain has kind of imploded trying to work out all the variables: Elfs school, my job, Stefs job, packing, funds…

Goodbye gym membership, goodbye being on top of work and goodbye peace of mind and the ability to sleep soundly until we have another temporary new roof over our heads.

Seriously – do a search for unfurnished rental properties under £1000pcm in Hatfield, Herts that have 2 double bedrooms, off road parking and garden (though even the garden is now a luxury we can likely not afford so goodbye all our furniture, equipment and Elfs trampoline; at least selling garden stuff may make us half a months rent…)

I know hubby will likely be disapproving of me posting this online for the world to see but I am SICK of it. Whenever we move we have to find a guarantor; even if we can show we earn enough to cover everything, the actual credit check goes on the guarantor and as ours are both retired… Well, the places that limits us to are very low priced and therefore non-existent and the upfront deposit plus ‘shortfall’ will be crippling. This is the reality of having a zero point contract; just because you can show 4 years worth of bank statements with decent(ish) wages, you cannot guarantee those wages will continue or remain constant and without that guarantee you cannot get a bloody shed in this world!

2016 sucks. Official.

 

Omphaloskepsis

I’m by nature a navel gazer. I like to ponder things and how they relate to me: I’m what you would term narcissistic and I am very aware of the fact (though not where looks are concerned: I’d rather avoid a mirror and slob than primp every 5 minutes) seriously, just look how many times I use the word ‘I’ in this paragraph for example – it’s ALL about me. But that’s part of self-reflection right? It’s how we check that we are on the right path; that we are improving ourselves – both in mind, body and action.

I like to think of myself as open minded. I have a rather strong sense of right and wrong (as do most people) but to my mind anything goes  – so long as it doesn’t negatively impact anyone else: you want to sleep with your sibling/ cousin/ total stranger in a toilet/ field/ classroom/ glass shed? Hey, if they’re up for it too go enjoy yourselves – I DON’T CARE; it’s only wrong if by doing so you hurt somebody else (and man will I get shouted at for that viewpoint: people truly believe that where sex is concerned there is no end to the judgement they can provide) Speaking of… You’re fantasizing about ramming the head of the preachy prat in the next room through a sink and shoving a razor blade between his bum-cheeks? Cool, i’ll help embellish the fantasy – so long as fantasy is where it stays. Yep, I like to think of myself as open minded. But I’m not, hence the judging on my part: you intentionally hurt someone else through word or deed and you’re the biggest talking phallus on the planet in my book.

I’m not naturally a good person – I work at it. Not always successfully it’s true; I’m too sarcastic and though I hate to see people judging others I still do it too, before I catch myself in the thought – which is when I berate my critical self and question my viewpoint on the subject and make excuses on behalf of the judged.

People are entitled to make mistakes; I try, REALLY try, not to judge the people who do – but when they cause pain – intentionally or not – through their mistake, it is hard not to make a judgement. This is when we have to catch ourselves and make allowances; we’ve not walked in their shoes, we don’t know what led them to be where they are now; swallowing guilt or brazenly flaunting their lack of shame.

You are human. You KNOW right from wrong; you have the capacity of reason and can make the choice to NOT take certain actions. If you knowingly decide to do something that gives you even the faintest twinge of guilt when you think of how another person will view that action then you stop and do not do it. Simple as that.

BUT, I also understand that people are naturally weak and that they have the capacity to learn and that we all learn best through making mistakes. I do know that there are very few things that will make me personally withhold any kind of forgiveness and understanding, but, If as stated above, someone knowingly betrays another or knowingly causes harm by taking advantage of another they can consider themselves off my friend list: even if the person they hurt ‘deserves it’. …Unless they can show they’ve learned from it enough to never want to be that person again; that the contrition is real and lasting.

There is a saying that people never change but that expression is bollocks: the only reason a person will never change is if they never learn.
So what do I mean by ‘learn’? “the cognitive process of acquiring skill or knowledge”? not quite, though that is a part of it. “a change in neural function as a consequence of experience”?basically, yes. ..Because if you are literally changing the physical state of your brain (and that is precisely what you do when you learn – neuro-scientist types back me up on this) then it stands to reason that to learn results in “a change in behaviour as a result of experience”. See – people can and DO change.

Now sadly, some people seem to learn bad behaviour and wrong thinking as a result of experience – which is why I try to give the benefit of the doubt and look for underlying reasons or causes behind specific behaviours: teaching has taught ME a lot about myself and how I react and a lot about how other people react to things like stress, the environment around them and their own fear and helplessness or loss of control.
Because ultimately that is what everything that is judged boils down to: control. This is why people are weak: the need to feel in control is inbuilt and it may only be about small things – not everyone wants to lead for example – but when the control over that small thing is threatened people do not react in nice ways, they give in to weakness. Only the strongest can lose this feeling of control and not seek to strike out or act out in response. I strive to be one of the strong ones. Always.

But… My poor husband (yup, still like saying that: it’s still new enough to make me chuckle a bit) he, along with my best friend, will probably attest to the fact that striving to be strong is about the best I can handle; especially on the days when PMS, ME/CFS or Menieres disease have a hold of me. When I’m tired or hungry I am a bear – except that’s not really fair to bears: I’m pure acid tongued bitch on speed at those times; I aim to wound all around me in my pain and frustration and my aim is generally true.

This is why I hide away from certain people and prefer limited contact to crowds; because I navel gaze. I know my own weakness and limitations – I know that to be around people at those times will result in words said that cannot be unsaid: I KNOW right from wrong and I know that unless I want to hurt someone (and I don’t, not really) I need to keep my trap shut and avoid the temptation to let out the evil thoughts and nasty judgmental observations that will make someone breakdown in tears and question their very identity (I’ve done it before – it’s my own special talent and one I strive to never use).

I navel gaze to try and hold on to just enough control so that instead of talking I walk away. Instead of hitting send I hit delete. Instead of becoming a walking talking phallus I retain that spark of humanity that knows it is wrong to cause pain and suffering to another person – no matter my own hurt at the time. Do you?

I HAZ ALL THE SPOOOOOOOONS!

I’ve written about the joys of ME/CFS many times before, even discussing how it’s not all bad and the way things do slowly improve For any newbies to this page, a quick infill for you:

For many years I’ve had this delightful illness commonly called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). The NHS describe it thusly:

“Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) causes persistent faigue (exhaustion) that affects everyday life and doesn’t go away with sleep or rest. 

CFS is also known as ME, which stands for myalgic encephalomyelitis. There’s some debate over the correct term to use for the condition, but these pages will refer to the condition as CFS.

CFS is a serious condition that can cause long-term illness and disability, but many people – particularly children and young people – improve over time.”

For those of you who have never heard of the spoon theory and want to feel well informed about the post title, just pop over here for a minute and acquaint yourself with how it all started alternatively just have a look at the image here:

Spoon theory diagram

Taken from http://www.mollysfund.org/2014/11/fibromyalgia/

OK, so, now we’re all on the same page how about I explain my current happiness to you?

I’ve been trying to up my stamina for quite some time for 2 reasons:

  1. To be able to work more hours and eventually get a full time position somewhere – preferably NOT on a zero point contract because yes, they suck major arse.
  2. To be able to get back into exercise and maybe take up martial arts again

Obviously with the wedding and all, I wanted to work on my arms and general body fitness so that I’d look good in a dress – the results were not as great as I’d hoped but considering that when I started out I couldn’t even manage a single push-up but by the wedding I could do eight – with the way I crash if I over exert myself – I felt that was a win.

Sadly, September came around which meant work, which in turn meant no more exercise as I just didn’t have the spoons for both and so now I’m back to being unable to do a single push up again – which plain pisses me off.

Now the difference this year to the last three years is that most of my work is in Hatfield – I only have to do the evil journey on public transport between Watford and Hatfield one day a week; you would not believe the difference this makes to me physically (and mentally)

As an example; two years ago after another news item about graded exercise was being thrown around I decided to give home exercise a go and did a YouTube workout. This was when I was travelling 3 days a week to Watford; the days I did not  work were mostly spent on the bed in pJ’s feeling knackered; but I still wanted to try, to make sure that I could still do something. So I cued it up and followed along, after 10 minutes I felt great but decided to not push it – 2 days later I was back in bed and missing a day of work as the delayed fatigue onset hit.

This is why I was dubious last week when my friend Kathy told me she’d got me a free pass to try a Boxercise class with her at the Uni sports village. …but I figured; I seem to have more energy of late; I’m managing early morning starts even if I’m not loving them and as well as very little travelling I’m not having to bring as much work home because the Uni job (unlike the college one) doesn’t involve anything outside of my contracted hours. Yes, I’m working 2 jobs (well, technically 3 seeing as the college one is split between both WHC and NHC at present) but I’m also managing to have a life outside of work – I’m getting to play with my daughter, I’m doing my share of the cooking and cleaning and i’m even *gasp* managing to be social and seeing friends.

So yes, I thought maybe it’s time to try this exercise thing again: I miss having strength! I once stopped a guy 3 times my size from getting on a stage despite interference from people who mistook ME for the interloper as opposed to the security: I know I’ll never be back there again on the physical front but I’d like to at least carry my child up the stairs without dying after 2 steps…

Well, I managed the first 30 minutes of this hour long class before I developed a twitchy spasm in my right hand and wanted to vomit. The sweat was pouring off me and I wanted to die – you can say I gave it a good go. For the next three days I ached (I still ache in fact!) and the following day I was quite worried as the hand was still a tad shaky and I couldn’t grip anything BUT! Yes, there is a but: I have not crashed!

I have had three early morning starts, I have worked full days and I have done all the housework and cooking on top of that AND I volunteered at the school fete – and I have STILL not crashed.

You have NO IDEA how amazing that feels. To just have the natural ache of an unfit body feeling the results of exercise without the body completely shutting down and the brain fogging up and refusing to work. I have hope again! The end is in sight!

I plan to remain at this balance of work and travel while I build up my physical stamina; one day I will be able to again throw a guy twice my size to the ground (even if I can’t keep him there) and more importantly I will be able to carry my child up to bed when she’s ill and manage my own damn shopping bags.

Boxercise may not be the thing for me, but the lovely Kathy has managed to score another 3 passes for me to try out different classes: I WILL have it all – if it kills me!