Category Archives: Amusing

Things that tickle me in some way

Murder, she wrote..

Stef was nagging me about my salt and butter intake due to the fact being a CFS sufferer apparently has me in the ‘high risk’ category for heart problems, he then made a joke about how nobody would notice if I carked it so long as he continued to tweet and facebook in my place (and he could since he has all my passwords) and it made me realise how right he is.

I wonder when someone will resurrect murder she wrote and use this premise for a kidnap or murder victim – if you can’t prove when someone actually went missing how can you even think to find them?

..and what about my previous idea of how twitpic and similar mobile photo sharing sites could ruin a persons life if a total stranger took your picture and tweeted that if they shouldn’t make it home then the subject of the image would be to blame – it’s a scary world in which we live now folks, the paranoia crew can seriously mess with your mind ;0p

A guide to English accents in the UK and abroad.

This video details Uk accents:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=1tOexrhVCE8[/youtube]

I watched this and had at least 2 laugh out loud moments, the guy has it almost right – give it a go, just try not to be offended because stereotypes are rife *grin*

This one is for accents outside the Uk, I didn’t find it quite as funny, but my reference points are few and far between..

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y5UFJeW0Xm4[/youtube]

Blogging is definitely the new sex.

You see, my previous post was just a fly by thought, since then a few more things have occurred to me that tend to confirm that thought as a valid one.

I think there are three types of people where sex and blogging are concerned:

  1. People who prefer sex to blogging.
    These people may have a blog, but they’ll have been coerced into starting it by some friend or acquaintance, after a few weeks or months it’s fallen along the wayside as they concentrate on more tangible things – like sex.
  2. People who prefer blogging to sex.
    Within the blogosphere they are happy and to hit that post button brings a little frisson of satisfaction that’s hard to beat. Everything is seen with a view to how best to blog it and their reading list is ‘the length of a babys arm’ a social life is just something they have to fuel their incessant need to blog, they post from mobile phones, internet cafes and keep a wealth of posts to one side so that on the rare occasion their attention is claimed by something else, the blog will not suffer – and they’ll <em>always</em> be back – even after they quit and say ‘never again’.
  3. People who love both equally.
    These people tend to be the ones who combine both passions, yes, these are the sex bloggers. From dating advice to outright porn, these individuals are happy day in and out as they search for the perfect image to accompany the write up of their latest sexperience.

But wait, there’s more..

Memes.
These are in fact the virtual equivalent of a sexually transmitted disease. Ok, Ok, ‘fact’ may be the wrong word to use for the pedants amongst you, but you have to admit it’s a decent simile; they’re pretty viral and they spread from blog to blog the same way an STD spreads from person to person, you show a little love, some intimate contact and look – a meme appears with your name on it.

People tart up their blogs with the most pleasing templates they can find and add many plugins and widgets (the virtual equivalent of make-up and plastic surgery) all with the aim of making them more attractive.. Why? so that people will visit and interact – some people even spend more time on tarting up their blogs than they do themselves (see person type #1)

The blogroll is almost like the notches in the bedpost with Technorati, Alexa and all their ilk reading like the HELLO! magazine of the blog world “..and look who’s linking up with rosevibe today..” even the link terms are sexually related (link-whoring, showing some link-love etc) so it’s an impossible observation to escape once it’s been pointed out to you.

Blogging is sex.

Now, this post may sound as though a great deal of thought has been expended upon the subject, that’s really not the case – I’m not a deep thinker *grin* but seriously, after reading this can you honestly say that at least one small part of you isn’t nodding in agreement? 😉

Princess Leia’s metal bikini

Oh yeah – that’s a heading to grab your attention isn’t it? Men!

Actually, this post has been prompted by a link my fave Ubuntu tech posted on twitter, it had me doing an idle search for a costume after joking to Stef about maybe doing that for the next fancy dress party we attended.

Now.. I’ve looked through most of the links on Leia’s metal bikini and I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I could by some miracle find one in my size – it’d look way too daft, I’m cursed ‘blessed’ in the chest department so even if I got my budha belly in trim, I’d still look like I was about to keel over from the weight of all that metal..

What..? you want proof?

*mutter* *grumble* Fine!

K, here’s the Lara Croft pic you love so much..

me as lara croft

the proof

..and now you see why I rarely get my legs out – look at the state of those knees! I had to greyscale ’em – you’d go blind otherwise, i’m so white I’m blue! Apparently..
Now for the side view.. I keep a ‘belly’ for a reason, if I didn’t have belly flab I’d look even more off kilter than this!

So there you have it, even if I could find the outfit in my size at a price I could afford – it’d ruin many a male fantasy and because I love you guys I just couldn’t do it to ya’s.
I’m all heart me aren’t I?

m’a bad girl.

Well, not bad, just rude.
I was just the ‘victim’ of a sales caller – apparantly some of those surveys I participated in led to my number being given out *mental note, if they ask for your number stop doing the survey*

Anyhow, this poor lad called Jack was on the line telling me about some fantastic cross stitch offer – that’s right, somehow they got the feeling that because i’d expressed an interest in ‘homecrafts’ I was into knitting and stitching – how wrong could they be eh?! Why is it that you mention homecrafts and that’s all they ever talk about?!

*ahem*

Anyhow, before poor Jack got any further than “we have a fantastic offer on cros-” I said, “sorry love can you just bear with me a minute” and put the handset on the arm of the chair. I then went back to my computer and continued reading the article said phonecall had interrupted. A few minutes later I thought I heard the ‘click’ so bimbled back across, checked, found dead air from the other end and put the phone back on it’s cradle.

Now i’m sat listening to Stef oohhing and ahhing as he ‘saves all the Bambies‘ it’s quite sad really..

Anyhow, there is further proof in the offing that i’m never going to get my driving licence: I’m supposed to have had 2 driving lessons this week – both have been cancelled. Someone really has a thing against me getting behind the wheel. If next weeks lessons also go the way of the pear I’m throwing in the towel and spending my savings on a haircut and new clothes.

Me? A Smac addict..?

Apparantly so..

me holding some italian cleaning products

I was planning to head out to the pub this evening but recieved a text from Stef telling me they were at the footballers (‘they’ being all the lads) so I changed my mind, I’ve done quite a lot today so resting is probably the best option anyway (she says, blogging) I have to make a necklace since my wire has now arrived – bloomin quick it was too! A day and a half after I placed the order – and that was with royal mail delivery. I’m impressed!

But, because I have to make it, procrastination has reared it’s loveable little head. Instead of getting my stuff out, I found myself looking through the photo album Stef put together the other day of various holiday pictures, the one above was taken in Cevaro In Italy when we went to visit his family last year, the fact that I look like a drug addict just made the find that much funnier *grin* (sans make-up I aint a pretty sight) finding it is obviously what prompted me to head back to the pc instead of my work table – after all I’d not posted today, someone might think I’m ill or something if I don’t.. *grin* you can justify anything if you try hard enough ;0}

me at drigg - not happy!I have to post this one because I think it’s my favourite pictures of me; every time I look at it I have to chuckle just because I was so pissed off *grin* for you newbies/ passersbyers here’s the back story:

Stef and I went to the lake district with friends for a week, my dad works at Sellafield (technical author – go figure, writing must be in the blood or summat) so we thought we’d stop by and see him, we ended up staying overnight at the hotel in Drigg and in the morning Stef forced me to trek through rain and a gale force wind up the road to see the sea. I was cold, tired and hungry – not the best time to catch me really.. But man I love that coat!

Shame it’s not waterproof eh?!

Perceptions..

You’ve gotta laugh really, I clicked on a twitter link and was directed to woot.com. The item on display was the black and decker scumbuster 2 piece set:

black and decker scumbuster

Now, I clicked on the link expecting a humorous site – and the first thing to register with me was the word ‘scumbuster’ I saw the above image and just flashed back to Mr Miyagi telling a young lad to ‘wax on wax off’ followed by mental imagery of chavs littering the streets in a bleeding groaning mess – apologising profusely for any criminal or anti-social behaviour.

So of course I laughed uproarously and continued to read the rest of the page.
I was quite disappointed to realise this is a product for the removal of built up scum (in the dirt sense of the word)

I liked my idea much better.

Back to work?

Don’t make me laugh!

The government are apparently eager to get all of us malingerers off incapacity benefit and back on the work force – at least that’s the story..

Having called up to request an appointment to discuss such a possibility for myself I’ve to wait until the end of April before anyone can see me.
Never mind eh? I’ve waited 3 years, another month or so won’t hurt me.

In synch?

If this hits the right buttons you are. Cheers Steve 😉

AN OPEN LETTER TO

MR. JAMES THATCHER

BRAND MANAGER

PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.

I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.”

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out of-control behaviour.

You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping that was so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness — actual smiling, laughing happiness — is it possible during a menstrual period? Did anything I mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freaky girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”?
Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

..and for your information, despite the appealing sound of kahlua and Motrin (whatever that is) it’s ibruprofen, back rubs and a very understanding man that keep me from giving in to the urge to kill this week.

At least so far. He’s still hiding in the bedroom so things could change..
What is it about the menstrual cycle that makes me wish fervently to be a man 1 week in 4? Why do we have to sit there in agony? No, wait – we don’t have to – unless we wish to be even remotely able to function, because the only painkillers that REALLY work are the ones that knock you out – and those ones tend to leave you feeling dizzy, pukey and worse off than you were with the cramps!

For today, tomorrow and possibly another few days – I hate all you men because you get off LIGHTLY in life.

Bastards.

Attention mommy bloggers

recieved this via email from the lovely Steve.. Is it true?

Birth order

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing For Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn’t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, colour-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick
up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.

Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
some juice from the baby’s bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.

2nd baby: You change baby’s diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change the diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to the knees.

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance.

Cheers for the chuckle honeyI especially loved the ‘at home 3rd baby’ *grin*

oh.. I also stole this from HK It tickled me muchly – in a ‘its funny cos its true’ kinda way..

so true..

Oh what a beautiful morning!

It is absolutely gorgeous out there today. Bit cold still, but the front room seems so warm and inviting when the sun streams through like this – and to think I used to avoid the sun where possible (well, ok so I’m not planning on going outside in it for long, but i’m not hissing behind closed curtains either)

We need bread and stuff so I’m going to walk up to aldi later and i’m actually going to hang some washing outside for the first time this year, that will probably wipe me out but i’m in such a good mood I hope it doesn’t – I may ring Kay and see if she fancies karaoke tonight – it’s been soooooooooo long!

Right, the tunes are pumping (quietly) I’m on the Joss Stone, Maroon 5, Amy winehoouse, Garbage, Nickleback, Frou Frou and Damien Rice playlist today, it’s quite fitting for the weather I feel.

Just thought I’d share this dream I had with you the other night, it’s been a while since I did that *grin*

Basically I was a scriptwriter and this is the sketch I was working on for some comedy/drama thing:

Greg – oily smarmy character with a hint of boyishness about him (think guy secretan from green wing)

Olivia – Fairly uptight and insecure, streak of ruthlessness and the ability to melt at the slightest compliment which then completely transforms her actions towards that person.

Sarah – Basically a female guy, feminine lager drinking football supporting.. Jodi Kidd type

The back story is that Greg and Sarah get it on, he shows his true colours she vows to get even. Knowing he loves his car more than life itself she arranges for it to be crushed on reality tv show ‘revenge’.
Unfortunately Greg is not around to see this happen because he is at a conference with Olivia (whom he hates) However, the show is aired live on tv and Greg see’s it in his hotel room, first outrage then grief as he collapses and changes the channel because he cannot bear to see his pride and joy being mangled. This is when Olivia walks in to see whats wrong (she knew about the revenge thing because Sarah asked her to let her know his reaction) Amazed that he isn’t watching the revenge show despite constant priming throughout the day she asks whats up.

Unable to speak, Greg merely gestures at the tv which is now showing a program on the plight of abused children in thailand, tears are streaming down his face and Olivia backs out of the room quickly.

She calls Sarah who is also sobbing wildly. (cut to split screen to see both sides of the conversation)
Olivia: whats wrong – didn’t the car get mashed?

Sarah: Of course it did! it’s not that. I’ve just seen something really crappy on tv is all – its just total shit that this kind of thing still goes on *sniff*
Olivia: um..its not that Thailand documentary on channel 4 is it?

Sarah: Yes actually – now cheer me up, what did Greg say about the car?

Olivia: ah.. well..

Sarah: *giggles* he’s livid isn’t he?

Olivia: No actually he’s in tears in there, completely unable to speak – I think-

Sarah: BRILLIANT!

Olivia: no, let me finish – he never actually saw it happen, I don’t think he knows yet..

Sarah: what do you mean ‘he doesn’t know yet’?

Olivia – well he was just watching the same documentary as you and I’ve never seen a grown man so affected, he’s sobbing like a baby in there, curled up around the remote as if he’s lost his best friend.. Listen (holds phone up and the sound of sobbing from the next room is clearly audible)
Sarah: SHIT!

Olivia: yep – if he’s that bad over some kids he doesn’t know – you may just send him over the edge with this little stunt.. best find him a new car quick if I were you.

Sarah: I didn’t know he was so sensitive, c’mon – did you?! He must be so insecure to hide himself behind that crappy persona of his.. oh my god! what am I going to do? I can’t be responsible for him cracking up – not now.. I mean.. shit!

Olivia: Uh huh, I told you it was a bad idea..

(cut to next scene where Sarah is frantically trying to find someone who stocks Gregs car – a futile task because it’s a classic)

There was a hell of a lot more, in my dream i had practically the whole series down – but this is the scene that had me in stitches – just the look of shocked horror on her face when sarah realises what she may have done.. Priceless *grin* Stef wasn’t half as tickled by this as I was but I guess you have to have ‘seen’ it in it’s entirety – it’s like green wing (which is where I assume I got my muse) you need to have come to like and know the characters to really ‘get’ it.

Right, I’d best get on with my day methinks – the shower won’t start itself..

Devil man

I know, Rob Zombie is not the best artist to listen to before bed – especially that specific track – it’s all Stefs fault though.
He’s playing CoH again and apparently they now have a streaming radio to listen to and he keeps asking me if i’ve ever heard of the artists on there *tuts* Obviously I had to bring up my ‘stefsout’ playlist to prove I’m not as woefully behind the times as he is.. Hmm..  I think I’m starting to warm to this gaming addiction if he’s finally beginning to lean towards my taste of things instead of the usual whingy indie stuff he tends to prefer *grin*

But enough on the CoH musical front the lovely lass who emailed me this piccy earlier:

perfume cartoon

Has also told me about some computer stores (Samsung, she thinks) using electronics-perfumed air-con additives to enhance the ambience of their stores. Surely this cannot be true? I mean.. Really?

K? You are my very own fave geek over the pond, Canada is not the US of A (Thank god! I hear you cry) but google is not being my friend on this point – care to offer clarification or rebuttal? I’d love to know the poor lass is merely misguided and that those crazy yanks are not quite as crazy as us brits think.. (y’know, all election results, movie stars and religious fruitcakes aside)

I’m am now officially a bandless singer, but to be honest, I’m not that fussed because it’s actually quite a relief, it means I don’t have the constant worry of letting them down weighing on my shoulders – though the fact i’ve been asked to do a few more online collabs has helped soften the blow a tad *grin* nothing like feeling wanted to ease the sting of loss eh?!

Oh and a swift “hey how ya doing?” to Gillys mum *waves* cheers for stopping by and telling the wee lassie about me *grin* that email made me chuckle muchly – i’m used to being mistaken for other people in real life so having someone mistake me for someone else in the virtual arena was a pleasant change ;0)

Isn’t it funny how our virtual lives grow to mirror our real ones..?

High school musical

I’ve seen this thing everywhere – and I do mean everywhere, Claire started talking about it tonight because apparantly all her kids love it (by ‘her kids’ I mean the ones she teaches music to) so I asked her what the deal was – this sparked off a huge discussion with her sister about the best tunes and why it reminded them of the brit school etc etc

After about 5 minutes of this I repeated the ‘whats so good about it?’ question and they put it on.

I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in ages – yes, most of the tunes are quite cool and catchy, some of the characters are amusing and look as though they’re supposed to be, but the acting?! Oh man! I know it’s a kids film but some of it was so wooden and well.. crap that I had to laugh. But in a way that was part of the reason I enjoyed the film – it reminded me so much of some of the people I’ve known in my life – both from school and the 4 years I studied theatre and from my musical experiences. The characters are 2 dimensional at best but it’s a light fluffy film with a bouncy score, great for kids and ok for a nights entertainment if you’re not up for anything even remotely taxing.

Not one I’d rush out to buy though..

We also ate out at some American diner type place in Cheam.. I wasn’t that impressed – Stefs turned me into a food snob. I was actually horrified when the waiter came over and asked if we were finished with the dressings (they came in 4 bowls with tea spoons on a tray) he then handed them over to another table – surely that’s a hygiene no-no? for all he knew we’d licked the spoons (we hadn’t but that’s beside the point)

I had a chicken salad because my stomachs been dodgy all day and I figured I was safer with raw food.. Didn’t expect the chicken to show up that way though – I know a little pink can be a sign of well cooked chicken so I wasn’t too fussed at first, but as I peeled away the layers of flesh it went from slightly pink to white to red and that can’t be good.
At least the chocolate fudge cake was as expected. You can’t go wrong with hot fudge.

Oh.. and the thing that tickled me the most today?
I overheard a conversation between 2 builders while travelling from Clapham junction to Sutton, one was extolling the virtes of an eatery somewhere near timperly road – whilst giving directions to the other lad he said “It’s just at the corner of the road that lad was shot the other week” I had to bite my cheeks to keep from laughing out loud.

A. surely there is something a little more permanent to use as a landmark

B. would you really seek out a place to visit in an area known for gun crime?

No wonder the food is so cheap mate.

It’s a chocolate christmas

I woke up this morning after dreaming that i’d gone downstairs to open my gifts only to find everyone else had already opened theirs and half of the things we’d brought were missing – instead there were just hundreds of chocolate eggs – and all the ones i’m not too keen on, cadburys caramel and kinder and some other nasty ones of that size.. it was very weird.

Anyhow, we did go downstairs and I think this year the gifts all round were the most thoughtful they’ve ever been! Robert was over the moon with the cd we got him (a bit too ecstatic really considering he specifically asked me for it months ago) Eileen liked the watch I made her and dad was reet chuffed with the whiskey Stef had picked out for him – though the ‘hit’ was probably a toss up between ‘the dangerous book for boys’ I got Stef (Robs jealous lol) and the ‘technical writing for dummies’ book I got off eBay as a joke for dad (him being a technical author and stuff, he’s responsible for part of the sellafield safety manual *grin* wait til they see THAT at work..)

I got a pamper care package in my ‘stocking’ including a reflexology foot roller, bath products a book – and some Lindt 85% cocoa dark chocolate.
Now this is where my dream was a tad freaky – I hate dark chocolate BUT the thought behind this gift was something special.

There’s been a study done at Hull about the effects of chocolate on sufferers of M.E/ CFS and it turns out that eating 45g of dark chocolate containing 85% cocoa solids may help ease the symptoms. Dad had read this and told Eileen about it so they thought it’d be a great idea – I was really touched at the thought.

Sadly I struggled through my first lot (and I do mean struggled, I’m not good with bitter stuff) but it had no real effect on me, we went to the morning mass and I crashed, poor Stef had to help me stay upright on the pew then half carry me back to the car. It was so embarrassing.

*sigh* I don’t think I’ll ever get used to a public attack – I just feel so humiliated when I drop – it’s like seeing a puppet who’s strings have been cut.. It probably wouldn’t be so bad but i’m still aware of what’s going on around me, i just can’t do anything about it, even my eyelids are to heavy to open never mind moving my arms or legs.

Ah well. That aside, I’m having a great christmas – and that dinner smells gorgeous! I cannot wait to feed!