Category Archives: books

The Bridge Across Forever

I’ve always written down my thoughts and my feelings, many a time as a kid and young adult I’d sit up late at night scribbling notes into a diary or onto a nondescript pad of A4 paper. Having a blog has just made the process easier, typing is quicker than writing and I can capture my thoughts more fully, editing is simpler; merely a matter of highlighting text as opposed to laboriously copying the same thing over and over again as I refine the message I’m trying to get across.

My feelings can also change as I write, when I started writing this last night on that first bit of paper I was upset, very upset. As I continued to write furiously I became less upset and more resigned (but I’ll get to that shortly)

I read a lot and some of the things I read can affect me in a rather profound way, it may only be a paragraph or a phrase as opposed to the whole book or article but occasionally it can strike a chord and leave me with a feeling of.. ..’deep connection’ is the only description I can come up with that ‘feels’ right.

This book: ‘The bridge across forever’ by Richard Bach,  touched a part of my brain, it evoked recognition and brought something to life – a connection/ stimulus that made me feel as though I’d grown in understanding, that somehow just by reading it I’d enriched my life and like a true convert I wanted to share that feeling with everyone who knows me.

I know it’s a work of fiction but the ideas are contagious, the central theme of finding your soulmate is deliciously seductive and resonates within the girl I used to be – it unlocked long abandoned yearnings and a desire to better myself and my love.
I too wish to grow and share that growth with another, it’s a journey I started envisioning for Stef and myself, smugly assuming we were well on the way as I found myself trying to fit our relationship into the dream offered between those pages.

As I finished the book I was filled with an overwhelming NEED to blog about it, when that kind of mood strikes it’s almost painful in intensity, it doesn’t happen often but when it comes it’s like a bolt of lightning coursing through my brain and I have to earth it with the act of writing.
When it’s like that I can’t eat or sleep or do anything because I’m so focussed on that urgent desire to capture my thoughts before I lose them and when that mood is upon me I write golden. I write until there is a ‘snap’ inside my head, that snap is the sense of rightness, that all the words are home and in the correct order, it’s the world clicking back into place because I’ve added something to it, I’ve made the intangible tangible and the satisfaction I feel after one of those sessions is the BEST feeling in the world.

Which is why I was upset when I first put pen to paper last night to write this, I’d rushed upstairs and after ascertaining that Stef was merely upping his stats on monstersgame I asked if I could just take the pc for 10 minutes, I explained that I just wanted to get down a blog post and that I needed to get it all down while my mind is churning out all these thoughts and realisation.

He said ‘Do it tomorrow, it’s only a blog post’ and that one sentance shattered the hope that we already had something as magical as the couple in the book, that we’re well on the way to perfection.
‘Only’ means ‘unimportant’ means ‘worthless’. He has often denigrated my blogging habits yet after 3 years I expect him to understand how important it is to me.
My blog encapsulates my identity as no other medium can, to have it disparaged so easily hurts because it’s ME being put down.

That’s basically saying ‘your thoughts are worthless and unimportant, pointless and stupid, they can wait’. An attack on my blog is an attack on me.

Logically I know he doesn’t mean it in that way but I’m an emotional person and I feel before I think, which is why I write my thoughts and feelings down, it gives me the opportunity to put things into perspective and see things from both sides.

I had the time with my pen and paper last night to realise that I just rushed into that room and demanded he drop everything he was in the middle of to let me do my thing, I can be selfish – very much so. The fact that he didn’t recognise my NEED to write is understandable, he doesn’t ‘get it’ just as I don’t ‘get’ his seeming addiction to games, to me, blogging is a worthwhile expenditure of time online as there is a visible product at the end of it.
I think Stef views it as vanity, a pointless exercise – which is how I view most of the games he plays. It’s one of the main differences between us and I don’t think either of us really accepts the others point of view on the subject.

I want a Richard and Leslie relationship like in the book (though I can live without the lucid dreaming and out of body stuff) I hope that we will learn to understand one another better, that, close as we are, over the years we will grow closer together and learn from each other, we’ve a way to go yet but the foundation is there and it’s strong. I just hope that in the future, instead of having one person become the superior, we can be equals who delight in the company of a different yet beloved mind.

But then isn’t that what every thinking person should want from their relationship?

Bit of a whinge.

I found this quite amusing, according to them next door, the wanker downstairs seems to think that we are responsible for his door getting the boot the other week.

The reason I find it so amusing is that if we had been responsible, his Dolly Parton CD would have been the first thing to go – there would have been many little pieces scattered across the floor beneath the wreck of what was once his stereo.

Sadly, the music playing all day upon his return is enough to attest to our innocence *sigh* What amazes me though is that he’s told our other neighbours that his stereo went missing so I’d love to know what he was playing that bloody CD on the day before he called the police round.. Anyone else smell a con job going on?
We actually saw him yesterday as we were walking up to the bottle bank, not a word was exchanged on either side and he couldn’t meet my eyes as I watched him walking towards and then past us.

But, no matter. He’s beneath notice, I should really stop wasting thought and blogspace on him. I don’t know why I let the whole situation get to me so much. I hate being here, and yet there’s no real reason why I should – apart from the music and ‘that night‘ we never have anything to do with him. The other neighbours all keep to themselves and apart from the space issue this is a relatively nice flat.
We’re close to all amenities and decent transport links, there are a couple of people I like that live not too far away and I’ve got karaoke close by on the rare occasions I fancy it.
Yet I still hate being here, I want to move so badly it hurts, I try not to think about it but, because I’m so stressed out at the uncertainty of how long I’m going to be trapped here, I can’t get to sleep (when I do I have nightmares) and I have no interest in keeping the place nice, I make suggestions and look at ways to improve it but my heart’s not in it at all – the worst part of it is, is that I know I don’t have any logical reason for feeling this way.

I just want out.

Aaaanyway, moving on..

I went to the library this morning to pick up some more Christopher Brookmyre books, I was quite impressed with his ‘All fun and games until somebody loses an eye‘ so much so that I can’t wait to crack on with the three others I checked out this morning, if only there was somewhere pleasant around here to go sit out with a book, seems a shame to waste this glorious weather on the net.

Damnation, I was all comfy here

By ‘here’ I of course mean my email address, I managed to jump on the gmail bandwagon pretty early on when it was considered a great thing to get an invite (just before everyone had so many they couldn’t give ’em away) now I may have to be changing things a bit according to a post I just read on the wiredhound blog (another MBL browse by)

Never mind eh?! I could always learn how to set up outlook express and use the defunct email facility I have with my hosting package (defunct because I have no use for it at present) It’s kind of odd how patchy my pc knowledge is really, I can use things like dreamweaver and photoshop, but I’ve never touched access and I’ve no clue how to create a pdf document or a powerpoint presentation. I think I really need to go back to school and learn a few basics – maybe this back to work lass can offer some suggestions on April 23rd – assuming the appointment isn’t re-scheduled, it being a govt. office thing and all..

I went out to the library today and picked up a few books seeing as all I’m good for is reading at present – I’m too distracted for anything else and my memory is so pants I forget what drink I’m supposed to be making in the time it takes me to walk from the front room to the kitchen and I need reminding at least twice before the kettle has a chance to boil (damned irritating it is too I can assure you! Still, there’s people worse off than me out there – I may feel like an idiot but at least I have the energy and strength to be making myself a drink in the first place so it’s not all bad eh?!)

Anyhow, I have to say ‘This book will save your life’ by a.m. homes is an absolute corker! I read it today and found myself laughing out loud and just feeling great at certain points in the story, I was a tad disappointed in the way it ended – not because it’s a bad ending, I just wanted more, I didn’t want the book to stop.
It’s not often I feel that way about this kind of book, I’m more of a sci-fi/ fantasy lass as anyone who’s been around here a few months will already know. It left me wanting to go out and do something nice for a random stranger off the street – never a bad sentiment to be left with, but it made me think (thinking is good)

Why is it that of all the people I know, the nastiest more self absorbed types are the ones who don’t like to read? Perhaps if everyone could get sucked into a book like this the world would be a better place, perhaps it’s for those people we have films like ‘pay it forward’ (which came from a book by Catherine Ryan Hyde) There are a lot of thoughts running through my head since reading that book, thoughts about the relationship I have with various members of my family, thoughts about the identities of the people with whom I connect online – but it’s all too much of a mishmash to write about coherently – especially with the added disadvantage of struggling for words that used to come easily.

All I can say is, read the book, maybe it will speak to you the way it spoke to me, if not, well you can always put it down.

Sci-fi or fantasy?

I’ve just realised, I read Jamies blog a lot.

You know what made me realise this? the amount of blog posts I’ve written inspired by some comment or post of hers, for example I started keeping a list off all the books I read last year because of something she said about her man.. It’s kind of amazing how much impact a complete stranger can have on your thoughts isn’t it?

The thing is, she’s lately started a whole load of trouble with her ‘sci-fi sux‘ post and I can see why. It’s a genre that encompasses a whole host of themes within the term ‘science fiction’ some people like it because of the absurdity (think Harry Harrisons the technicolor time machine) Others like it for the moral quandries and the character interaction (think Orson Scott card, specifically the Ender series and the follow up ‘shadow’ series) and others like it for the complexity of weaving the ‘now’ into the ‘later’, to see how things once thought possible only within the realms of this genre can become reality in the years to come – look at the work in cybernetics and cloning, technology is a marvellous and frightening thing in its own right here in the ‘real’ world, in the literary world these frightening leaps of technology can be discussed at length, projections of the effects both mental and physical on the population are bandied around and often discussed at length in forums around the world – Sci-fi to my mind does not ‘suck the big one’ purely because it’s too broad a genre to class in such a way – It’s like saying ‘religion sucks the big one’

Something that creates so much discussion and diversity cannot ‘suck’ portions of it cand be deemed so, from a purely personal point of view, but as a whole I think not.

You tend to think of the people who read sci-fi as ‘nerds’ that’s simply not true, I’ve found that the people who read sci-fi tend to be much greater thinkers than those who don’t, this does not make them nerds as such, it just means they have an imagination to go with all that intelligence. I’m not saying that you need to be a sci-fi lover to be a great thinker – far from it, my man is incredibly intelligent, he just doesn’t like sci-fi because the things that get his juices flowing have to be based on reality, he’s not a fan of fiction in general and cannot understand my love for this type of thing.

The thing is, both the fantasy and sci-fi genres are what moulded my personality, from an early age I was an avid bookworm. I had no real role models at home and so I learned right and wrong from these books, I wanted to be Alanna of Trebond, I wanted to adhere to the principles of good as described in the books I devoured from morning to night – I needed to believe that anyone could better themselves no matter their lowly beginnings – and not just in a material sense!

Fantasy books were great, they fulfilled my craving for some beauty and magic in the ugly world around me, but Sci-fi.. Those books opened my eyes to what the world around me could become.
Yes, I’m still more easily drawn to the worlds of myth and magic because they are an ever changing landscape of wonder, I know they can be incredibly similar in theme, but that’s quite comforting and is a good lesson to learn young, that the more things change the more they stay the same. But Sci-fi tends to lend itself more easily to questions of politics and morality, these stretch your mind and allow you to question the world, they are not merely fiction, they are an ever evolving discussion on the whys and wherefores of what we, as humans, are and will be.

looo-ser

I’ve just re-read the last of the Merry Gentry books by Laurell K Hamilton.
I’m gutted that I have to wait till next year for the follow up – I want to see how she handles the Goblins and Taranis – and what nastiness Cel gets up to after he gets out, personally I hope the queen gets wise and is forced to kill him herself. But that’s not really Ms Hamiltons style *sigh*

Christmas fever is well under way – the presents have started arriving and I’m still stumped with what to get people. I also met the cutest little girl last night – 3 years old and very sure of herself. It was quite humiliating to be beaten at 10 pin bowling by someone who not only comes up to my waist but hasn’t started school yet *sigh* what can I say – it’s never been my game (I’ve yet to find out what is to be truthful) and she did have the advantage of barriers and… and… yeah well, the first game she beat everyone so I guess I shouldn’t worry too much *grin* Lets just hope I hold my own around the pool table tonight…

euuwww.. I mean.. c’mon!

Currently reading one of those womens fiction things – you know, the throw away on holiday types – it’s called Deep Heat by Chris Manby.

Now one line in this book sent me off on one – Cheryl was in stitches, but I had to kick her off the pc so I could share my … my disgust with you all – oh and cheers for the song Brandy *grin* I ‘heart’ you!

The line in question? It’s taken from page 191 and it’s the guy telling her how much he misses her – despite having left her bed only 3hrs previously:

“I thought about you all through lunch. Every time I lifted a glass to my lips, I could smell the rich warm smell of your body on my hands”

Eewwwwwwwww!!!
I mean – really!
Why do guys say shit like that? (cause you do… It’s kind of a genetic trait methinks) On the few occasions I’ve had to hear something like that said to me it’s made me squirm – in a bad way.
All that says to me is that you are a filthy get who needs some lessons in personal hygiene.

And don’t give me the “but it’s us!” line, cause it wont wash. All the ‘us’ smell brings is the need to cleanse. Thoroughly.
It’s all well and good being swamped by that very distinctive rich aroma of ‘just had sex’ when you are all snuggled up in bed savouring the afterglow, it’s quite another to be sat having dinner miles apart and being surrounded by an almost tangible stench of mixed bodily fluids.

Am I wrong? Really? I mean C’mon… I’m not just being a fastidious prude here am I?
Why do they all say it like it’s supposed to be some kind of turn on?
here’s a tip guys: It’s NOT.

It’s especially not a turn on if you say shit like that when the recipient is at work/ parentals/ shopping. Because lets face it – those comments are virtually always made over the phone.

I, like most of my sex, get embarrassed by a blow by blow account of things related to the bedroom *shudders* We were there, we know who did what to who and how many times it happened. Raking over past bedroom gymnastics when in the presence of other people is generally a very uncool thing to do – even if you luck out and get a gal for whom such things are a turn on, it’s incredibly unfair to get her all hot and bothered – unless you are within sweeping off feet distance to ease the frustration you’re creating.

Basically.
Don’t.
EVER.

I’m done now, I’m gonna get back to the book…