Category Archives: dreams

If I win the lottery tonight, you’re invited!

I’ve already tweeted about the party to end all parties aka biggest tweet-up in history – that’s right, with a £17.8 million jackpot I would SO be meeting all of my net buddies, and I figure if I pay for you all to drag partner and offspring along for the fun then it’ll help show there’s a definite advantage to using social media *grin*
..but how would I meet over 200 people at one party for long enough to have a decent conversation?

Which is why I said this:


A week should give me enough time to meet folks and I reckon the #lottoparty hashtag would be trending within minutes *grin*

So say I squander around £3m on the party, £1m on house and furnishings. What then?

Obviously Bella would need a £1m trust fund and we’d have to set aside £1m for the likely sibling to follow (hey, a multimillionairess can have kids without worrying about anything while a CFS ridden student can’t) £5m split between various family members £2m on taxes (probably) and £2m in savings to fund the house etc then the rest can go on a business venture.

Yup – a business venture. I’m damned if i’ll kill myself getting a 1st and then do nothing with my degree!
I even know who my first lot of employees would be: @elmundio87 for code duties and whoever he recommended to me that he wanted to work with, a lad I know called Meyrick for the graphic design (he’s a graphical genius) @musobubble for most of my musical needs and as contractors (since I’m guessing they’d not give up their own businesses to work for me) @philwoodmusic to fill the gaps @musobubble can’t and @loudmouthman for sheer genius and guidance.

..I’d also have to try and lure away a couple of my old tutors for the e-learning side of things; Natasha Khilji (database and all round tutoring goddesss) and Diane Bulmer (business, HR and solid classroom skills) then deprive the UoH LTI department of @sarahjaneflynn and then beg for another couple of contractors in the shape of @MarkRussell (he is the e-assessment king) and @audio for his experience in the E-learning arena; I’m sure other people would be added to this list but they would be the cream *grin*

I have a ton of ideas for e-learning tools, apps and web services; if I could get the right people on board then there’d be no stopping us!
..It’d be watch out Google! Rosevibe’s coming.. ;0)

So come on.. What would YOU do with a £17.8m lottery win?

Modest life ambitions

I didn’t choose to do an IT degree with a view to becoming any kind of hotshot programmer/ web designer, despite my love of html and most things web;  my first choice would have been any number of the jewellery/ crafting courses on offer even though most are not of a degree standard.

But I’m practical. I chose IT because it allows a career that (hopefully) pays well and will work around my illness and family life.

Jewellery making and web design were the 2 ‘skills’ I had to choose from when I was planning out how to escape the benefits trap of the long term sick; the web seemed the likeliest method of gaining a decent income without a large financial layout.

I know that in the current climate having those benefits offers a type of security that working may not – especially in view of my health (the whole reason I’m on ’em in the first place) some healthy folks even question why I’d bother since I’ve ‘got it good’ right now – I’m lucky they say.

..and I agree, in comparison to some families we’re doing well and ticking by.

But I’m fed up of always ticking by. I’m sick of the uncertainty of renting a pokey flat that we’re getting too large for by the day. I’m sick of not having the cash for a decent holiday or to buy the gifts I’d like or to make the things I sketch out and put in the ‘someday’ file.

Unlike a healthy person, being long term sick offers you no hope of improvement, no hope of progressing up the food chain, you’re stuck living on handouts and state charity and that SUCKS!

I dream of having a decent sized 3 bedroom house (all doubles of course) I want an office/ workshop at the bottom of the garden and a garage. I want the space to be able to grow my own food – not on a self-sufficiency level, but enough to supplement the odd dish. I’ll never be able to get that on state benefits.

I listed all the things I wanted from my ideal lifestyle and showed it to Stef; he laughed.

Apparently I want to be his parents – but with hobbies.

To be honest I don’t know why that was a cause for laughter; his folks are great – they work too hard in my opinion and could use some hobbies for downtime, but otherwise sure; I’d be them. Just more up to date *grin*

..and I’d be able to do any of this with my daughter;

  • start a small craft club and have monthly meetings/ workshops
  • create and sell tutorials from my own e-learning site
  • create websites for small businesses and families
  • have time and materials for serious crafting
  • maintain a small kitchen garden
  • throw parties

(assuming she wanted to)

Doesn’t that sound like the life to you? THAT’S how I envisage someone who’s ‘got it good’, I’m just trying to get there the best I can.

Breastfeeding is damned hard!

The person who first described breastfeeding as a marvelous bonding experience has a strange mind to my way of thinking. Through the experience I’ve had over the last 5 weeks I’d say it’s more akin to shock treatment!

For the first couple of weeks I handled it just fine, yes there was some discomfort but the midwife, 2 health visitors and the breast feeding clinic lass said she was latching on just fine and since she was gaining weight (my god is the child gaining weight!) I figured it was just over sensitiveness on my part.

..then at week 3 the growth spurt hit.

Nothing can prepare you for that, she was crying to be fed 30 minutes after her last feed, each feed was taking between 1-2 hours at  time as she alternately mutilated my tender bits and dozed –  I felt like she was literally sucking my life away it was so draining, I had no energy to speak let alone come online or think about college.

It actually got to the stage where she’d finish feeding and I’d pass her to the nearest person and run for bed, bathroom or kitchen depending on which need felt greatest at that particular moment – then I’d avoid being near her in the hope she’d give me some respite – I approached those feeds with dread as the longer it went on the more painful it was becoming.

She developed the habit of latching on then clamping down – trust me, having no teeth was not a deterrent for the little madam in causing her mama pain, there’s strength in them there jaws of hers – and when coming off the breast or if troubled by wind (constantly) she’d screw up her face, pull her head back and worry my poor abused teat from side to side like a terrier with a rat. I actually had a nightmare about her becoming a milk vampire – in this dream I’d turned my back on her for a second to ready my nursing station and she flew from the cot and attacked me from behind, burrowing through my back to get at my breast.
That was NOT a pleasant dream.

I managed to grit my teeth and bear this for 5 days then I broke. At around 1am whilst she was once more mutilating me in her desperation for food, with tears streaming down my face I begged Stef to go get some formula and bottles from the 24hr Tesco.

While he and and the devil spawn shopped I cried myself to sleep. The next day I managed my first pain free feed – it was amazing, I managed to look down at that contented little face and feel love instead of pain, resentment and guilt (over the resentment) and instead of handing her straight to Stef afterwards so I could run and hide from her I enjoyed a real cuddle – the first in weeks!

The downside to this feed skipping was that I still needed milking; so we bought a pump.
I thought I had it all figured out, the occasional breast feed to keep up my supply, express the rest and alternate formula and breast milk feeds.

..Of course it couldn’t be that simple.

After 2 uses of the pump I developed blocked ducts and engorged breasts (ow ow ow ow ow ow OWWWW!) Which is when I discovered it’s possible to cook chilled cabbage leaves using breast heat alone (but they are effective in reducing swelling and easing the discomfort for anyone who needs to know..) So instead of expressing a full feed each time I started just taking an ounce when I felt full and intermittently feeding her straight from the breast – at least the break meant I could bear the discomfort.

I’m beginning to dread hearing the phrase “it will get better” because every time someone tells me that I get something worse.

This week it’s been mastitis – poor Stef spent 3 days looking after Izzy alone as well as cleaning away my bile filled buckets and attempting to make food I could keep down so I could take my antibiotics. They finally kicked in and the fever broke so I could at least keep down water, but the pain was unbelievable – and it triggered the menieres too so I literally couldn’t get out of bed due to the dizziness and nausea and ear pain.

..oh and my caesarian scar decided to start bleeding too, it’s all fun and games!

I was lying there in my sick bed, too dizzy to get up but dying for a shower; my 3 day fever sweat stench mingling with the smell of sour milk, cooking cabbage and old blood was knocking me sick again – when to add insult to injury this delightful cocktail of smells started attracting flies through the open window –  seriously, I felt like a corpse lol all I needed was to hear a ringing bell and the monty python lot outside the window screeching “Bring out your dead”
When Stef brought her in to see me after the fever broke I wanted to cry, in the space of a day or two she’dd already changed so much, her skins clearer, she’d filled out and was even more alert – and i missed it happening, she laughs and smiles at you and it amazes me that we have such a perfect little thing in our lives.

I now know if I continue to persevere with this I’ll never make it into college and in the long term I need to have completed this course with flying colours if I expect to get a decent enough job to afford the life for our little love that I want – I just have to accept that while breast may be best, the child has had 5 weeks of my milky goodness and selfish as it may seem, I’ve suffered enough! By the time she’s weaned away from the breast and my milk supply has dried up (please let it be soon!) It’ll be over 6 weeks and I’m supposed to be back in class full time then.

Now, lets just hope these last 2 days of antibiotics do their job – I’m really sick of being ill.

Exploring the pregnancy id

I was just ‘chatting’ to a few of the lasses on the birth forum I joined about dreams and how vivid and scary they are at the moment. I tried to explain that my dreams have always been like that and turned to this blog for an example – which is when I became sidetracked.

You see this post  was written on the 19th November, which according to my estimated delivery date falls within the possible conception time span, I can’t help wondering if the reason I was so content and tranquil that day was because my body knew something I didn’t.

It doesn’t take a genius to explain my dreams at the moment though, they are all concerned with having my baby then having someone take it away from me. I know I’m worried about how I’ll cope after the birth, I’m worried about how the ME/CFS will manifest under all that stress, pain and exertion, and the people who feature most strongly in my dreams are also the ones who have been the least supportive up to now so it’s easy to work out why they’d be the ‘bad guys’.

I’ve woken up screaming, crying and just lying there turning the dreams over in my mind fretting about everything they relate to, which is why I feel confident in saying pregnancy dreams are not normal.

‘Normal’ dreams for me, while vivid and complex, are confusing with no clear meaning. My pregnancy dreams are all too clear, they are just my real fears amplified and blown up into the worst possible scenarios (well, apart from the one where I went for an ultrasound and saw creatures crawling around the baby – they looked a little like the ‘bug’ inserted inside Neo in the matrix film, the technician tried to tell me it was just worms and that I had nothing to worry about but I overheard the doctors discussing ways of keeping me in until I reached full term so they could extract the specimens.. So glad Stef woke me up from that one! no idea what fear that was amplifying but it’s a doozy!)

So, here’s hoping these yoga relaxation techniques work and I can start having pleasant dreams instead – it’d be nice to concentrate on my hopes instead of my fears for a change..


Today I woke up smiling. I was warm and wrapped in loving arms and the tendrils of sleep still clung to me, carrying over the image of paradise from my dream.

It’s raining outside, sheets of water coming down in waves, one moment only a light drizzle and then a force to almost knock you from your feet – but I’m not fooled, I can see the blue sky hiding behind it’s rags of grey, I know it’s there because it keeps peeping through to see if I’m still smiling.

I am.

Who would have thought Russell Crowe would bring such a smile to my face, but it wasn’t really him, it was the vista he shared with me, Like something from the goddess art of Jonathon Earl Bowser the scene lit up my soul and brought a song to my heart. Today I carry a piece of paradise in my mind and the gift of tranquility it has spread within my thoughts is bounty beyond measure.

Yup, you could say that I’m a truly happy bunny today.

Oh what a beautiful morning!

It is absolutely gorgeous out there today. Bit cold still, but the front room seems so warm and inviting when the sun streams through like this – and to think I used to avoid the sun where possible (well, ok so I’m not planning on going outside in it for long, but i’m not hissing behind closed curtains either)

We need bread and stuff so I’m going to walk up to aldi later and i’m actually going to hang some washing outside for the first time this year, that will probably wipe me out but i’m in such a good mood I hope it doesn’t – I may ring Kay and see if she fancies karaoke tonight – it’s been soooooooooo long!

Right, the tunes are pumping (quietly) I’m on the Joss Stone, Maroon 5, Amy winehoouse, Garbage, Nickleback, Frou Frou and Damien Rice playlist today, it’s quite fitting for the weather I feel.

Just thought I’d share this dream I had with you the other night, it’s been a while since I did that *grin*

Basically I was a scriptwriter and this is the sketch I was working on for some comedy/drama thing:

Greg – oily smarmy character with a hint of boyishness about him (think guy secretan from green wing)

Olivia – Fairly uptight and insecure, streak of ruthlessness and the ability to melt at the slightest compliment which then completely transforms her actions towards that person.

Sarah – Basically a female guy, feminine lager drinking football supporting.. Jodi Kidd type

The back story is that Greg and Sarah get it on, he shows his true colours she vows to get even. Knowing he loves his car more than life itself she arranges for it to be crushed on reality tv show ‘revenge’.
Unfortunately Greg is not around to see this happen because he is at a conference with Olivia (whom he hates) However, the show is aired live on tv and Greg see’s it in his hotel room, first outrage then grief as he collapses and changes the channel because he cannot bear to see his pride and joy being mangled. This is when Olivia walks in to see whats wrong (she knew about the revenge thing because Sarah asked her to let her know his reaction) Amazed that he isn’t watching the revenge show despite constant priming throughout the day she asks whats up.

Unable to speak, Greg merely gestures at the tv which is now showing a program on the plight of abused children in thailand, tears are streaming down his face and Olivia backs out of the room quickly.

She calls Sarah who is also sobbing wildly. (cut to split screen to see both sides of the conversation)
Olivia: whats wrong – didn’t the car get mashed?

Sarah: Of course it did! it’s not that. I’ve just seen something really crappy on tv is all – its just total shit that this kind of thing still goes on *sniff*
Olivia: um..its not that Thailand documentary on channel 4 is it?

Sarah: Yes actually – now cheer me up, what did Greg say about the car?

Olivia: ah.. well..

Sarah: *giggles* he’s livid isn’t he?

Olivia: No actually he’s in tears in there, completely unable to speak – I think-


Olivia: no, let me finish – he never actually saw it happen, I don’t think he knows yet..

Sarah: what do you mean ‘he doesn’t know yet’?

Olivia – well he was just watching the same documentary as you and I’ve never seen a grown man so affected, he’s sobbing like a baby in there, curled up around the remote as if he’s lost his best friend.. Listen (holds phone up and the sound of sobbing from the next room is clearly audible)
Sarah: SHIT!

Olivia: yep – if he’s that bad over some kids he doesn’t know – you may just send him over the edge with this little stunt.. best find him a new car quick if I were you.

Sarah: I didn’t know he was so sensitive, c’mon – did you?! He must be so insecure to hide himself behind that crappy persona of his.. oh my god! what am I going to do? I can’t be responsible for him cracking up – not now.. I mean.. shit!

Olivia: Uh huh, I told you it was a bad idea..

(cut to next scene where Sarah is frantically trying to find someone who stocks Gregs car – a futile task because it’s a classic)

There was a hell of a lot more, in my dream i had practically the whole series down – but this is the scene that had me in stitches – just the look of shocked horror on her face when sarah realises what she may have done.. Priceless *grin* Stef wasn’t half as tickled by this as I was but I guess you have to have ‘seen’ it in it’s entirety – it’s like green wing (which is where I assume I got my muse) you need to have come to like and know the characters to really ‘get’ it.

Right, I’d best get on with my day methinks – the shower won’t start itself..

News and dreams

I’m even dreaming about the guy downstairs now.
This is not good..

I was asleep (in my dream) and something woke me up and prompted me to go down to the front door. Just as I got to the bottom of the stairs I heard the gate go and then there was a knock so I opened the door. Gay guy is there leaning ont o the wall brandishing a £20 note in my face.
I waved his hand aside and asked what he wanted, that’s when I noticed his face was cut up and his clothes were a mess.
He was looking quite distressed and said he’d been mugged in town and he didn’t have his keys and no-one could come out to him for another 4 hours at least and it was cold outside..
I told him he couldn’t come in because he’d behaved like a wanker towards us. He started brandishing the money at me again and when I waved it aside he started kicking the fence and hurling abuse at me.
I waited till he’d quietened down and in a very calm quiet voice told him that we’d been nothing but good to him when he moved in and in return I’d had nothing but abuse and a door slammed in my face.
I then shut the door and went back upstairs and fell into bed asleep..

D’ya think my subconcious is trying to say something here? Not sure what the £20 was all about though, perhaps it was symbolic; even money will not induce me to help out that sorry excuse of manhood downstairs again – not even in my dreams lol

Anyhow, I had a lovely long chat with my cousin Ria yesterday, it was good, I really don’t speak to her often enough – or Jasmine for that matter, I may have to give her a bell today and see how the nursing course is going. I also found out that my best mate was in a car accident (again, if I ever get a car I’d have to really think about letting her ride shotgun, she’s jinxed!) Apparantly her sister was driving along the road (as you do) when a car just reversed out of a side road straight in front of her – said driver then got out and gave her a load of abuse.
Claire soon put him straight (*grin* that bit I wouldn’t mind seeing, Claire is not a lass to cross when pissed off!) sadly she’s been back at the A&E, seems she’s managed to crunch some muscles or something and her arm is not getting enough blood circulating.. Quite worrying to my mind but she’s making do, she’s just concerned about a gig she’s got in Birmingham this week because she’s in a fair amount of discomfort from the sounds of it.

I guess I’d best get beading, these pressies are not making themselves and I’m off to the cinema this evening to meet Dawn and watch ‘the devil wears prada’ (mainly because Stef refuses to come see it with me) tomorrow we’re going to costco with gran, she wants a look around and I want to get some of the Italy pics printed off (if you want to see ’em all go here and ignore the keswick ones, that’s just Stef mucking about at the lakes with Dave and Andy.. Kids, that’s what they are..)
I love costco, not really to buy stuff, just to wander around and think about buying stuff.. Bet I come out with some more of those crepes though, food generally in fact, must remember to eat a fair bit before we go.. It’s too tempting in there when hungry!

L’Italia e fantastica!

Well hello guys and gals *kiss*
ahhhhm baaaaaack!

What a fantastic holiday! I kid you not, Italy is basically the place you should all visit at least once in your life – especially the Vatican.

The artwork, the museum exhibits.. Man! It was fabulous.
One visit was not enough to take it all in. I have to go back but this time I’d take a decent packed lunch and lots of water. We spent 5 hours looking at room after room after courtyard and hall of beautiful things, the Sistine chapel was a bit of an anti climax after all that because for 5 hours of soaking in prettiness and arguing over whether it is molding or clever painting, we just couldn’t express the necessary awe – I just wanted somewhere to sit and rest my poor feet!

Next time we’d do it in 2 legs because the map room is worthy of a lot more time than we spent on it, I’m still in awe of the ceilings now!
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The thing that struck me the most though were the floor mosaics, so intricate and detailed, I think I made a bit of a pest of myself trying to see them all, it almost seemed wrong to be walking on them
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It’s safe to say I loved it there.

One thing we did notice though was the statue of Stef prominently displayed within the Etruscan exhibit:
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I think this must be a guy thing though – have you ever noticed how far they can push ’em out when playing gross out for laughs? I don’t know a single girl that can do that. I used to know one guy who looked as skinny as a skinny thing – then he’d blow out his belly and suddenly he was Buddha, he could even ripple it – fascinating to watch in a mildly disturbing way.


Anyway.. Italy..
We’ve got over 400 pictures to put online so I’m just picking the odd one or 2 to share for now, once we get around to uploading them I’ll post the link for those of you who are interested in other peoples holiday snaps *grin*

The coliseum was fantastic, we did a fair few of the ‘statue’ poses, this one made a group of women almost wet themselves laughing as they happened upon us while stef took it:
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It did make us wonder though – just how many pictures around the world are we in? When we went to the spanish steps people were snapping away as we sat there, everywhere we went we seemed to be in somebodys camera lens, it’d be interesting to see if anyone online spots this blog post and says “yeah, I was there, you’re in a good few of my pictures too”

Though I’m betting everyone got a pic of the real life simpsons mad cat lady:
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I won’t post pics of the trevi fountain, or the fiesta in cevaro, or the family dinners and nasty shots of me looking hot and bothered but I do have to share this action shot of my manly man getting in some exercise on the farm: Free Image Hosting at
grape picking is hot and messy work – and the mosquitoes were particularly vicious! Lets just say I’m rather glad I got to hide indoors and help with the dinner instead.

It wasn’t all work though *grin* he got to play as well:
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Monte Cassino is a beautiful place to visit and the views are awe inspiring – as are the views from the home of our hosts:
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I just wish I’d taken more of those so I could show you. I doubt anything could express just how lovely it was there, I really didn’t want to come home.

C’mon, I even got to shoot a gun:
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Bloody heavy that thing was too! I was leaning against the wall just to support it, I’ll never make a sniper that’s fer sho’.

Anyhow, we fed well, slept.. Not quite so well (heat and mosquito bites to blame for that) but loved every minute of it – the 2 thunderstorms we witnessed were magnificent, the fireworks for the fiesta were a wonder to behold, the people were warm, welcoming and generally lovely..
I can’t wait to go back!

We got back on friday afternoon to blazing sunlight – that seemed wrong having left cassino amidst an awe inspiring thunderstorm at 6am, drove home, unpacked and promptly fell asleep.
We awoke the following morning, packed up the tent and drove to Wales for a couple of days – neither of us really wanted to come back to reality *sigh*

Ahh well, home is good – I just wish it wasn’t in such a scabby place – especially having breathed in peace and loveliness for the last 2 weeks.
It’s almost a culture shock to be back – I’ll take the sound of several cockerals crowing in a morning over police sirens and squabbling neighbours any day of the week!

Looking back

I’ve spent the last few days being completely knackered, tonight – I can’t sleep.. wide awake, buzzing and more mentally alert than I ‘ve been in months.
Obviously a good time to have a look through all my old text and word documents to clean out old unwanted files – which led to me deciding to update my cv – which led to me checking my blog for a certain date (see, blogs are useful) sadly this led to me getting sidetracked by some of my old posts.. It happens occasionally.

Anyhow, I came across a meme I did at the request of Master K:

Ten Things I’ve Never Done, But Intend to Do Before I Die:

  1. Get divorced
  2. Design a funky looking website that actually serves a purpose.
  3. Have a child
  4. Learn a foreign language well enough to converse easily in – probably Spanish, but considering Italian, Portuguese or Esperanto (What can I say, Harry Harrison sold me on that last one)
  5. Learn to dance properly – salsa, tango, waltz and one other
  6. Complete an ambitious hobby project – without help!
  7. Ride a jetski/ windsail – watersports generally (of the non fetish variety!)
  8. Get a tailor made outfit
  9. Buy the perfect home – and home is the operative word there.
  10. Get up at 7am on a regular basis and like it .

I’m quite chuffed, In the space of a year I’ve managed to complete 2 and a half of those listed there (#1, #6 and I’m halfway there with #2 I just need to get it looking funky, the purpose part is covered)
The thing is, in just a year I’ve changed my mind on a couple of things. I remember writing this and at the time I really wanted to do all those things, now though my list would be more like this:

  1. Buy a house and create the perfect home
  2. Have a child – or 2.
  3. Write and record a song I can be proud of
  4. Learn Italian
  5. Get a tailor made outfit
  6. Ride a jetski
  7. Own a car
  8. Visit Italy, Germany and Ireland
  9. Buy a beautiful (and expensive) work of art
  10. Learn as much about web design as I can

I need to win the lottery blatently.

Does this mean i’m into teenagers now?

I am going to bed in a minute.. I am, really.

I just got a little sidetracked reading through some of my old posts (prompted by a search that showed up on my stats) I used to be totally addicted to blog – reading and writing.
I can actually remember how I’d be mentally writing posts about anything and everything I saw in the day (that is in the days I used to go places to see things lol) I’d never go so far as to claim my writing enriched the ‘blogosphere’ in anyway, but it was a damned sight better back then than it is now.
All I seem to talk about is being ill these days – how crappy is that?

*mental note: think happy, write happy*

*sniggers* Yup, PMA people, that’s the route to take in life..

Mind you – I did get told off by my immunologist today – I slunk out of there with my imaginary tail clamped firmly between my legs, he has very rightly pointed out that I’m not pacing properly again so it’s no wonder I’ve hit a plateau and haven’t seen any improvement for a while.. Oh yeah, and the sleep pattern thing *glances at clock*

See now I was going to describe the dreams I had last night for you – fairly erotic, disturbing though – I dreamt I was a teenager, dating that Alex Rider (from the Anthony Horowitz novels (I’ve not read stormbreaker but there is a film of it coming out – I’ve got the follow up book, Point Blanc – pretty good so hopefully it’ll be a film worth watching)

Anyhow, there we were – getting it on in teenage horny fashion, his sister (in the book he has no sister, but that’s dreams for ya) kept walking in on us so we left the mansion and took off on a snow mobile to an old warehouse/ factory building down the hill next to the raging torrent of a river.
There was an arms deal going on inside (obviously, it’s an abandoned mill type place beside a river.. Had to be crawling with bad guy types packing mucho hardware of the killing kind)
He thought I knew nothing about his secret agent status, what he didn’t know was that I also was an agent – for the other side.. Something I’d forgotten myself until the action kicked in – what can I say? He was a great kisser lol

Basically it was an absolute quality dream – I even got to lock lips wth Ewan McGregor (man am I a slut or what in dreamtime?) I would go into more detail but it was a fairly complex dream, several action sequences and I’d be here all frikken night describing it.
Instead, I’m going to go brush my teeth and snuggle up to my pillows and hopefully catch some Zzz’s before her nurseyness arrives in the morning to wreak havoc on my arse.
G’night folks, luffyall MWAH!

Laughing it up

I had another strange dream.
I was auditioning for the X-Factor, dressed as Lara Croft.

The cameras converged upon me and when I was asked the question “Why are you dressed as Lara Croft?” I calmly pulled out my gun and answered “One way or another I will be getting through.”
Don’t ask…
My song was cool though – I did “The weakness in me” by Joan Armatrading.

I’m not the sort of person
Who falls
And quickly
Of love
But to you I gave my affection
Right from the start

I have a lover
Who loves me
How could I break such a heart
Yet still you get my attention

Why do you come here
When you know I’ve got troubles
Why do you call me
When you know
I can’t answer the phone
Make me lie
When I don’t want to
And make someone else
Some kind of unknowing fool
You make me stay
When I should not
Are you so strong
Or is all the weakness in me
Why do you come here
And pretend
To be just passing by
But I mean to see you
And I mean to hold you

Feeling guilty
Waking from some tormented sleep
This old love has me bound
But the new one cuts deep

If I choose now
I’ll lose out
One of you has to fall
And I need you
And you.

It really is a fabulous song – and not one that I’d normally feel confident of carrying off because it’s fecking hard!
Still, that’s what dreams are for eh?!

Heard an amusing joke today, there we were, me and Gran, looking in the windows of a jewellers (as you do) discussing how nice it would be to just walk in and buy something without worrying where the money was coming from. This random bloke then joined in and it turned into an all out dig at ‘kids today’ who ‘don’t know they’re born’.
Yup, one of them.

After discussing the merits of gas central heating over the coal fires of old and reminiscing about stealing bags from the train stores (yup, they were really getting into it) this guy said that a mate of his was saying to his grandkids that they were so lucky these days because when he was a lad he was lucky if he got an apple and an orange for Christmas – the little kid apparantly answered in glee “you mean you got a mobile and an ipod?!”
Ba-dum pah!

It tickled my gran no end – I think the guy thought his luck was in because he carried on chatting to her for ages – what does it say about me that I just stayed where I could see if he tried a bit of pick-pocketing?

Oh – and the big news is that as of 11am this morning, I am officially divorced!
Yup – you heard it, poor Stef can no longer claim to be seeing a married woman *grin* how will he cope?!
The decree absolute has not left my side all day (literally, it’s cold out and it was in my coat pocket)
It was an incredible sensation though, I feel as though it’s finally signalled a close to the nasty portion of my life.
Seriously, I came out grinning like a loon and wanting to sing – I practically danced up to the town centre to meet my gran!

It was a pleasent surprise because I wasn’t expecting it to be done the day I applied for the Nisi to be made Absolute, but apparantly they now do all the finalising while you wait *grin*

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being married to Stewart was hellish – he’s a great bloke whom I still have infrequent amicable contact with, but the marriage itself was a mistake brought about as a result of our situation at the time (not pregnancy before anyone starts nodding knowingly and whispering the words “shot gun”) I really think that if either of us had been in a decent headspace back then we’d have maybe had a fling and just stayed friends, but there was a lot of other crap that contributed to our decision to marry and now that the ‘mistake’ has been rectified it’s a definte closing of a chapter for me.

The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.

Biblical creations

Seems to be my week for weird dreams.
I woke up not fully remembering this one – which is odd for me, I’m one of those people who tends to have either complete crystal clarity in my dream recollection or nothing at all.
It’s like I was watching/ listening to a conversation through a veil or fine curtain and I’m expecting a bit of stick for this one.
The basic upshot is that it was between God and the Devil.
They weren’t much more than kids – in the 18-25 age range it looked like, maybe a bit younger but definitely not older. They were discussing their project and the resulting bet.
Yup, you’ve guessed it, Earth was the project.

Basically they’d decided to see who could create the most enduring thing.
Between them they created the earth, Satan created rock and stone including all the gems and precious metals, God created water which slowly wore those down into dirt and sand which formed the basic shape of the landmasses, they then started on life forms, Satan started small with insects and reptiles, God made most of the animals.
The kicker in my dream is that they both created humans because they wanted to see what would happen if they worked together – would that creation last longer than the ones they created singly. One created man, the other woman (could explain why the sexes can seem so alien to each other on occasion)
Now neither of them stay at the project constantly, they just stop by occasionally to throw some plan into motion and to check up on the progress of all the others – Satan was really pissed when he got back after a holiday to find God had created religion for the humans, he argued that since they were a joint venture nothing should be done to them without at least discussing it first – so God added a little tweak to the religion to bring Satan into it, he found it funny to say that he’d created Satan too.
Anyway, they made a bargain at that point, they’d not do anything directly to affect the humans, everything that happened to them would be the result of changes they made to everything else – it would be fairer that way.

This was when I woke up.
I wouldn’t mind but I’m not religious in the slightest, I know Christmas is coming up but I’ve never dreamed about biblical figures before, I have absolutely no idea why that particular tale was swimming around in my head.
Interesting though. Stef suggested I write a book about it – after taking the piss out of my lack of knowledge regarding the ‘truth’ in the bible about creationism.
I’m thinking it’d be far more profitable to start my own religion based on this dream – lets face it other religions based on the christian god were started on less – Henry VIII wanted a divorce, Brigham Young had a dream about a chalice or something (I dunno, can’t really remember we just had a bunch of mormons visit us once because they’d tracked my mum down somehow) It all seems to come down to sex though doesn’t it? That’s what I’m missing here – I need a sex hook to start a religion.

I shall have to ponder on this…

Heh – but wouldn’t that be a joke on the catholics if my dream is true? Think about it – they’re totally against same sex relationships (well, a lot of ’em are) what if God has been secretly pushing us along the scientific paths we’re following so that we can slowly become one sex? But which one did he create? This is the burning question from my ‘vision’. Either way – it’d piss Satan off no end to find God had been messing about with us behind his back again.


I’ve been up since about 4am following a fairly disturbing dream.

I woke up completely disoriented, I didn’t know who or where I was because my dream identity still had me in it’s clutches. I nearly died of shock when Stef started snoring because until that point I hadn’t even realised I was sharing the bed – scared the shit out of me it did. Reminded me of who and where I was though.

In my dream I was about 15 and starting a new school, I was being shown around by this other lass and got talked into joining a band – as lead guitarist. It was a fairly normal kind of school day – no real horror in it, but I wasn’t dreaming as me, I was dreaming as someone else – she was American, blonde and pretty and could play the guitar, she was also very inexperienced with the boys which was why I was so scared when Stef started his wonderful nasal symphony – in my mind I was still someone too young to have a guy in bed (though these days by 15 they tend to have already tried out several – usually with a pregnancy to show for it) it was just strange and disturbing – as though I’d pig-a-backed- in someone else’s mind.

Problem then was I just couldn’t get back to sleep – my mind has been racing with all sorts of thoughts. Memories are horrible things sometimes, I hate that you can’t just turn them off as soon as you realise what you’re thinking about, instead you have to re-live every excruciating moment. *sigh*

I know I’m still freaked about the night club incident. I shouldn’t be – I know it’s stupid. But I’m feeling so weak and so tired all the time again I just can’t help worrying about a repeat incident.
I really don’t want to go out or leave the flat alone – I don’t even want to go up to dads for Christmas – I’d much rather spend it with Stef at his folks, but I’ve already promised I’ll go, I could cancel but then I’d feel guilty because I’ve let them down – even though I doubt they’d miss me for more than 5 minutes.

Why is it that I always feel I have to make everyone else happy?
I’ve spent years trying (unsuccessfully) to keep mother happy at the expense of my own thoughts and feelings, I’ve been shit on time and time again and let it slide because I try to be fair and ‘make allowances’ I’m sick of it – what the hell has turned me into this masochistic excuse for a human being?
I know that people are shit, I know that they love nothing better than malicious gossip and to see others hurting and ‘disgraced’ before them. So why do I always try so hard to keep eveyone happy? I’ve hidden truths from friends and family so they won’t get hurt, I’ve lost more money than I care to think about through faithless friends and acquaintances. I just don’t get it – what the hell motivates me to put myself through this shit?
I feel guilty for everything all the time – You’d think I was a catholic or something the amount of guilt I swallow on a daily basis!
And it’s all for no reason. I know it’s stupid, but sadly I run on feelings not reason – as I’ve proved time and time again. I’m too good at seeing the other persons side of things without managing to give the same weight to my own – that’s why I always lose an arguement, for some reason deep down inside of me I always feel that I’m not good enough.

I should probably do something about this…

I wish I could shut my mind off, I’m so tired.

I hate when they stick around after

I just had the most disturbing nightmare about a girl in a burns unit – she was going for a meeting/ party about a year after her attack, the security guard greeted her and another lass at the door, both appeared to be blind as a result of their attacks, the girl most prominantly featured in the dream obviously had some mental damage too – her speech was slightly slurred and she had a tendancy to repeat herself.
It was like something from the start of a CSI show.
Entrance to the unit through an underground carpark. Kindly old (black) security guard making a quick joke with the 2 young ladies as they enter the building, then outright terror as a gang of barely seen figures enter the scene menacingly, the girls run up the entranceway in terror and start banging on the doors – one gets left behind by accident because she loses contact with the person leading her and can only listen in terror as the kindly security guard is beaten and burned to death in the car park before she gets dragged into the safety of the burns unit where they call the police.
That’s when I woke up.
My throat is all hurty again from the non-screaming screaming you tend to do in your sleep.
And I’m still so tired, it’s been like this for weeks. I’ll get to sleep but I wake up unrefreshed because of barely remembered nightmares – I’m up and down all night because things keep disturbing me when I don’t have nightmares – I’m fed up with it.
I’m constantly narky and out of sorts – I just want some decent sleep.
It’s a shame they couldn’t give me something to bring home from the hospital to sedate me every night *sigh* though that’s not the answer I know. I just wish I knew what was bothering me so I could sort it and get some sleep! Or at least have a dream that wasn’t a nightmare.

The girl was just so proud to be out alone. She kept saying “this is my first burns unit, my first!” she’d made the cake with no help and had managed the journey unaided for the first time despite being scared the whole way – she was so proud of herself and that all changed in an instant.
God I hate it when I bring my dreams into the day with me, they’re vivid enough as it is without having to deal with flashbacks to it as though it’s a real memory!
*sigh* I’m gonna go get some breakfast and a cuddle before I start howling again.


I dreamt I trapped off with David Bowie last night.
God knows where that came from – and it was at a candle party ffs. A candle party in aid of cancer research that my gran had hosted – he wasn’t flavour of the month though – she apparantly knew him under a different name and ‘those P- boys were a bad lot’ (can’t remember the surname she used except it started with P) The thing is, I’ve never really been that into David Bowie – musically or otherwise (though the Labyrinth soundtrack was ok) I’d love to know what my subconscious was trying to tell me with that one.
He was very sweet though, attentive – and a great kisser *grin* I love my dreams sometimes…

Woke up aching like a fecker though, been totally brain fogged all day with no clue what I’m doing from minute to minute. I’ve ran the bath twice, moved little bits from one side of my room to the other and back again, watched some crap on the tv and had a sleepy fit.
At some point I will make something proper to eat as I’m guessing that may be a contributing factor to my ditzyness, I’m thinking J may like to feed soon also – you never know lol
As soon as I get a spark of concentration going I shall whip up a feast (ok, it’ll be a chuckit – tasty though) in the meantime I shall continue to wander around the house aimlessly listening to the baby monsoon outside.

On reflection, maybe a concerted cleaning effort is in order – I have clothes flung everywhere in my room from last nights decision making process, make-up all over the floor, single shoes scattered forlornly around missing their partners and thats just my room – the kitchen and the front room make this look spotless…
They do say start as you mean to go on though so perhaps I’ll just leave it all to fester until tomorrow *grin*