I’d set my alarm for 10am, just to make sure I was up and ready for this medical assessment, sadly I was just too knackered so I shuffled the alarm up to 12pm and went back to sleep.
We went off to Albert bridge house where the ordeal was to take place. Stef dropped me off at the gate and went to park the car so I wouldn’t have miles to walk – I think I should just have gone with him and done the walking because I was called straight through to see the doctor without my moral support.
The assessment was just hellish, this wizened little old indian man who i at first had trouble understanding just asked me a tonne of the same questions that were on my form and just kept responding to my answers with the words ‘thats correct’. I stupidly burst into tears again – it’s embarrassingly simple to reduce me to tears these days, all i have to do is think about my life – and it’s not even all that bad in the grand scheme of things!
I tried explaining the tears were a combination of embarrassment and frustration but I got the distinct impression he just thought I was turning them on for the sympathy vote – if only!
It kind of went downhill from there really. The physical examination commenced, he called through to the front office for a female chaperone and this 18 year old lass walks in, looks like a model and has the sneer down pat – Ok, so she wasn’t sneering, but I felt incredibly uncomfortable because i felt as though she was thinking the same as the doc, I hate feeling that people disbelieve me, especially when i’m not even exaggerating anything – if anything I probably left a lot out because I feel totally cowed when in front of a doctor.
Anyway, once that was over with he starts to write up his notes and ask me a few more questions, I’m starting to feel quite knackered again so ask him if it will take much longer, he lets me go and i go out to meet stef who drags me straight over to a cafe for food and a drink.
It was basically an incredibly draining session, i was trying to explain and justify myself to someone who I felt was predisposed to treat everything i said as a big fat lie – which is probably why I reacted so badly this evening.
Despite still feeling incredibly crappy i went to rehearsal, we’ve had a few issues in teh band lately and tonight was supposed to resolve ’em. Those issues were resolved and the rehearsal commenced. By 8.30 I’d had enough and needed to lie down.
I went through another song and just said I felt I should really head off because I hadn’t really had enough rest today to cope with the rehearsal – which is when the new drummer piped up.
I like to think that i’m being overly sensitive when it felt like he was being deliberately hurtful, I get the feeling he doesn’t really think that much of me or even like me as a person – but hey! i’m an emotional wreck at the moment so it’s probably nothing.
but after the day I’ve had today to be made to feel as though i’m useless and ‘a sick note’ as well as an attack on my ability to see through a gig when i could barely stand up for 5 minutes in rehearsal.. I just packed up my bag and left.
On the way home I’d basically decided to just leave the band, lets face it – he’s right. It’s been my concern from day one – so what if he’s only seen me 3 times in the space of 2 weeks (and i’m still in the grip of an ear and throat infection so his observation of ‘theres always something wrong with you’ is a valid one) But Stef told me not to be daft and make a decision like that when i’m feeling this down, I should sit on it and keep up with them.
I just don’t know. Right now i’m miserable as sin, the move to Liverpool is off which means I’m stuck here with the wanker downstairs, I’m pretty much convinced that this doctor will say I don’t fulfill any criteria for receiving benefits which means I’m going to have to try and find employment that won’t send me straight back to the level I was three years ago – which is just not going to happen, if i could i’d already be working there and not trying to claim benefits in the first place!
Like Stef said, i can have a life with this illness but it makes me unemployable, who is going to offer me a job knowing I could have a relapse at any time? who could employ me for one or 2 days a week and pay me enough to live on for that amount of time?
Then to top it off the [insert insult of choice here] drummer has to go and make me feel even worse.
Tonight I really do feel as though there’s just no point staying with the band, I am always ill, I can’tguarantee I’ll be fit for a gig, I can try but all it takes is one little thing to knock me off kilter and i’m straight back in bed sobbing my little heart out in frustration – not really reliable eh?
You see it was alright before, the guys knew where I stood, they knew from day one this was the deal with me, but now.. I’m just fed up. i’m sick of trying to explain, to justify myself, i’m sick of making excuses and most of all i’m sick of people judging me unfairly because they just don’t understand.
I’m in pain, I’ve felt sick with nerves all day, my head has been pounding and my mood.. Well, I guess this post explains my mood.
*sigh* I’m just gonna go watch a film and have a cuddle. Hopefully things will seem better in the morning.